strange comment

I got this comment on the blog today:

"Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!"

I can't say I am really a fan of anonymous comments. I have mixed feeling about this one. Thinking it might even be SPAM. Unless the author wants to e-mail me and let me know it's real. lol. I'll admit that the more recent post came from my heart more than when I tried to write out my journey with FLYLADY - but anyone who knows me at all would understand that was a huge part of my life and healing at the time.

And also, it seems odd to get such a comment after so long. One should see that I rarely write on the blog anymore. It originally started with the birth of the twins and then continues to allow me to express myself after Olivia died. I continued the process with my mom. But, I think it is time for the blog to come to an end. I may start another one to write out the book I will probably never publish but this one has served it's purpose. I tend to do all my venting on facebook now. :)

Dear Anonymous

What do I want to change about myself?

Where shall I begin?

And let me say that I know there are solutions to most all the the things that I will list. But knowing them and then having the energy and the will power to do them are 2 different things.

I hate the fact that I am living in chaos and that a lot of it is my doing.

I wish that I was organized and able to keep on top of things.

I don't like that fact that I have this tendency to be a perfectionist. If it all can't be done perfectly, I tend to do nothing.

I lack disciplines in many areas of my life. For instance, if you have been reading the blog in the past you will have seen my frustrations with not being able to accomplish the Flylady challenge. And it wasn't even a challenge that someone was trying to get me to do - it was something I wanted to do.

I lack disciplines in my spiritual life.....and this is one of the biggest factors in most of my troubles right now. I will be the first to admit that. I have put God on a shelf and tried to do things on my own. I have neglected the Bible and praying.

I know that is why I am feeling all this anger. I haven't felt emotions this violent in years. And the one time I can think of in specif that I can remember was a time in the past that I yet again not walking as close to the Lord as I should be.

There are things that I want to change that I can't really share. Not even so much because I don't want to...but I don't even know how....and there are some things that I just don't want to I suppose. At least not yet, to the whole world. If you were to tell me who you were or send a personal e-mail I might be able to share things differently.

I know that most of this is a spiritual battle.

I just keep failing at the same things.

Right now I am just at that point like I have written about before,

about being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter and feeling that I am a failure in all the titles that I wear.

Some of this is an emotional battle. I am struggling to fight depression on my own right now. Understand, I do go to a Dr. for this , I do the counselling thing but the meds I was on wasn't helping so I stopped. Since, I have had many negative side effects to different meds in the past the Dr, does not want to try anything new while I am pregnant. That last thing she wants to do is make it so I feel worse.

But that is something that I would love to change. I would love to be emotionally stable. I would love to be depression free. (At this very moment I would love it if my 20 month old would stop taking her diaper off every few minutes. )

I would love to have a healthy self esteem.

Right now, I need to give myself a major attitude adjustment.

I am mad, I am angry....if those are not the same thing....I am overwhelmed....I am tired....I am pregnant and not the most thrilled with that fact.....the house is a total mess and at this point I JUST DON'T CARE.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

This was written a couple months ago so some of the feelings have changed. Others have been added or they come and go.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
May 8, 2009

This is how I feel.

(insert some very bad words here)

Lord, I know this isn’t right.

I’ve tried to change a hundred times.

They are going to say I need the meds.

Well the Zoloft wasn’t really working,

And the other med wasn’t worth the health risks – at least to me – and I’m the one supposed to be taking it.

Once again I’m pregnant and this time wise enough to be scared.

When I was pregnant with Tyler my mom found out she had cancer. Even though I was pretty sick the whole pregnancy it would be the only normal preg/labor that my mom would see me have.

6 months after Tyler was born I got pregnant with the twins and we all know that story.

But I feel I was given 2 because God knew I’d lose 1.

Alysa turned 13 months old the day my mom died.

About a month before she died I had told my mom over the phone that I was expecting again. I never had the chance to see her face to face.

Katie was once again a comfort baby as Alysa had been in the loss of Olivia.

So, this is the first (and hopefully last pregnancy) that I wasn’t able to share anything about with Mom.

Is this another comfort child? Is Tyler, Alysa, Katie, or Brian going to die?

My heart tells me this is a warped sense of thinking – my mind on the other hand tends to “have a mind of its own.”

I keep thinking, “God, you could at least make it so I am not so freaking sick so I could at least enjoy it!”

I hate feeling so angry all the time.
Angry at myself for not changing.
Angry at the kids for pushing the limits – and probably sometimes just being kids.

shocking, I know

I thought that I would totally shock the few of you who still check here perioddically to see if I have updated the blog. I was going to copy of few entries that I had written in a notebook to catch you all up (for those of you who don't have facebook) But, alas, the kids have carried the notebook off somewhere to color in.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. If I do find it in the next couple days I will copy the entries.

Otherwise, this will be a boring post as it is late and I am too tired to putting any effort into writing something original.

Just a PS for those of you who still might not have heard
We are having another child in December.

Alysa's 3!

Friday was mostly a happy day. Alysa was very excited it was her birthday. It was pretty much all she talked about all day. Brian's parents, brother and grandparents came down after supper to share some cake and ice cream and watch her open presents.

Brian and I did have our thoughts drift to Olivia throughout the day of course. I found this clipping and wanted to share it with you. It is something I could have written but did not. I am not sure who did. I was something my mom cut out of the paper.

"When our children we love are taken, and the years pass slowly by, you feel the grieving is over, but the ache is still inside.

This life of ours must continue and the tears we must learn to hide, but you know it will never leave you, this ache we feel inside.

Their siblings go on with their future and you know this is how it should be, You share in their joys and sorrows, but that ache won't let you free.

Where they rest you visit less often, and their voices are not as clear, and our zest for life is returning, but the ache is always near.

Our friends and family tell us how well we handled our grief. If they only knew deep within us, from this ache there is no relief.

When alone, we talk to them often, for we know they are still by our side, and the warmth of our memories comforts, but the ache is still inside."

I love you Princess Alysa and Baby Girl Olivia!

just fun stuff

THIS

RESULTED IN

THIS. I am blessed to have 3 children who love the water and love taking baths!

THIS was my awesome deal from CVS. I spent a total of $2.53 and got a $5.00 credit towards my next purchase! The Aveeno baby wash would have cost me more than $2.50 alone at Wally World! Normally I am not a name brand person but the girls have eczema and this is what their pediatrician recommends. I also have to use a special lotion (Aquaphor Healing Ointment) with them but I found that CVS had there own brand of it so I am going to try that.
Also Target was their Valentine stuff for 90% off. The kids had a grand time picking up some goodies!! For Target my receipt says I saved $98.85!!!

I am sharing the following with you all because that I what I do. I'm tired of living the double life as it is so instead I am going to share it all in the hopes that it might be helpful to others out there who are on the same path. Before you get worried and start e-mailing about getting the help I need I want to assure you that I am. I went to my Dr. this morning and we are doubling my antidepressant medication and will increase it more in a few weeks if I still feel the need. Also, next week I will resume counseling. We had stopped meeting because things were going well there for some time and the visits were not necessary. Brian has read this and is aware of how I am feeling. Though he doesn't understand it all he loves me in spite of it all. I have others who are aware of how I am feeling and are there if I really felt the need to reach out to them. You know who you are. And I thank you for being there!

The following was what I wrote in a notebook the other night when I could not sleep. It still needs a lot of work but these are the original thoughts.

The tear stains on her pillow will be dry by morning
Leaving no evidence there were ever even there.

She whispers out her feelings to God in Heaven
Her heart says her words are just floating in thin air.

What little hope she had found in the past has long disappeared
She tried so hard to hold it together because she wanted to be strong.

Things seemed to be getting a little better and she was ready to say goodbye
But it wasn’t long after things fell apart and she knew she had been wrong.

The meds don’t seem to be helping now – if they even ever were
She feels so sad and overwhelmed yet she also feels nothing.

She knows there is something wrong but doesn’t know what it is
She wants to fix it, evict it or whatever it takes.

She wants to be well for her children
Not for herself or even her husband anymore.

They deserve so much better. They have no choice in all of this.
He does and he could have just walked out the door.

They didn’t choose this life
They are still innocent enough not to realize not everyone lives this way

She knows the pain in her heart when she picks up a few things and her children ask,
“Mommy, who is coming over today?”

She is even scaring herself. She doesn’t feel that love anymore.

She’s known a long time they’d be better off without her
But she couldn’t imagine living without them.

Now – she almost doesn’t care
There is almost no joy

She doesn’t want to be a friend,
a wife
or even a mother.

She just wants it to be all better.

She doesn’t want to be a mother
But she sure would like to have hers back.

Day 7

Ok I am back in the game. Though we are not feeling 100% better I am at least able to function a whole lot more. I don’t remember being THAT tired since the 2 weeks that we had Olivia home. As far as Flylady, I am going to pick up right where I left off. This is hard to do. My perfectionism tells me I MUST start over to do this right. Part of the process for me is to let go of that ugly P word,

Today we are going to add something to our before bed routine. It’s simple - yet it can be very hard. All we are asked to do is to pick out our clothes the night before. This is supposed to help prevent us from being rushed in mornings or trying on 4 outfits and deciding that nothing looks right on us.

In my Control Journal I have been working on my weekly schedule. It’s pretty basic right now


Monday - Zone Mission
- Riley Mission (this is for kids – explanation to come or search for it on FLylady’s page)
-Weekly home Blessing (again, I haven’t talked about this yet. I am just getting things in writing because I know they are coming)

Tuesday- Zone Mission
Riley Mission

Wednesday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Detour night 6-8pm

Thursday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Every other week is MOPS from 9-12 noon

Friday- Zone Mission
- Riley Mission
-Date Night (doesn’t mean you even have to “go out” for a date. We sure don’t get out once a week. Or once a month for that matter! It could be as simple as watching a movie together on the couch. I personally hope we can incorporate some more “out of the house dates” when the weather gets a little warmer so if anyone wants to volunteer some free babysitting J you know how to reach me!)

Saturday- Family Fun Day (My ultimate goal would be to not have to clean at all on weekends. Just the bare necessities to keep things going and get back in the game on Monday’s with the Weekly Home Blessing)

Sunday- Renew Your Spirit Day
-Church
-nap (If I am lucky!)
-Church


In time we will add things by picking days to clean out the fridge, clean our purses and diaper bags, menu making days, shopping days, etc.

too tired

sorry that I have not updated in the last couple days.
You have 1 sick mommy trying to take care of 3 sick kiddos and that equals 1 mommy who is so tired she can hardly function.
The last few nights I've gotten very little sleep and it's all caught up with me. Daddy isn't feel so great either.
I will be back when I have a little more energy

Day 6 200th post WOW

Day 6 Hot Spots
Thanks to a helping hand from my mother in law my kitchen will be completed by the time I go to bed. Brian’s dad came to see if he could figure out what is wrong with our washing machine. It won’t spin. (It’s not a broken belt because our machine doesn’t have one) He had the whole thing torn apart so I just had a washer "shell" sitting in my kitchen. Alysa thought it would be a fun place to hide by going in through the back and popping her head up.

Anyway, while he was working on that Brian’s mom was doing my dishes. I was supposed to be helping her but I was mostly trying to keep track of Katie.

Today Flylady’s babystep is introducing hot spots.
“What is a Hot Spot?
A Hot Spot is an area, when left unattended will gradually take over. My favorite analogy is of a hot spot in a forest fire, if left alone it will eventually get out of hand and burn up the whole forest. This is what happens in our homes. If left unattended, the hot spot will grow and take over the whole room as well as making the house look awful. When you walk into a room, the hot spot is the first thing you see. Your eyes are locked on it. Over the years my hot spot has migrated. As a child it was a chair in my bedroom. I would pile it to the ceiling. Right now I have two hot spots in my home: the dining room table and the bed in the extra bedroom. The dining room table is a staging area. We put the unopened mail there, as well as any thing that needs to go to the basement. Some times you cannot see the top of the table. This is the first thing I see when I walk into the kitchen. Granted, the pile has only been there since last night, but if I don't deal with it first thing in the morning, it will collect many more items by evening. CLUTTER ATTRACTS CLUTTER. The Bed in the extra bed room is just the same. I use it as a place to put things that don't have a home. Do you have areas like this that continue to grow if left alone? Does the rest of the family see this as a place to put things when they do not want to put them where they belong? It is our job to NIP this in the bud. Get rid of that pile, find the surface underneath, and stop the Hot Spot from becoming a raging Clutter inferno! – FlyLady”

The mission for today was to set our timer for 2 minutes and tackle a hot spot. As you will learn, Flylady is also really big on timers.

Sometimes I feel like my whole house is a hot spot. But if I had to pinpoint a couple I would say the kitchen table and my desk.

Today’s accomplishments also included cleaning out our Beta bowl. We have a blue beta and Tyler named it “Water”

Jean - if you would be willing to send me an e-mail I would love to respond personally to your comment. b_and_a_ritchie@hotmail.com

Thanks!

Day 5

This is where the honesty comes in. This is what I woke up to. It’s 7 pm and I really haven’t done anything about it! I just got Tyler and Alysa to bed. I do not feel like doing anything but going to bed myself. Too bad Katelyn doesn’t agree. She took a really late afternoon nap so she is just full of energy.

The girls have finally shared their sick germs with Tyler and me. That is part of the reason I don’t feel like doing anything. Even though today was not successful I am going to keep going. In the past I would just stopped the program for time and then start over. No more starting over.

Today I was encouraged to “WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU HEAR.” Any time something negative came into my head I was supposed to turn it around to something positive. There are plenty of negative thoughts that creep into my head, especially on days like to day.

“What am I thinking? I can’t do this.“
“It’s too hard.” Instead, “I can do anything for 15 minutes at a time”
“I’m too tired.” Instead, “If I get the things done now that I need to then I can go to bed when the children do and not feel guilty.”
“The kids just keep messing it up.” Instead, “I am thankful for 3 healthy children who love to explore.”
“I’m so far behind.” Flylady says, “You are not behind. Just jump in where you are” She reminds me that things “did not get this bad overnight – so things will not get all better over night.” It’s a process. I know what I need to do. My whole kitchen looks like a bomb went off. I just need to go start plugging away at it. One of the things that I would like to do to help me get things done is to stop watching TV. That is the reason I woke up to a mess. I watched to shows with Brian last night instead of picking up the supper dishes. Wednesdays are hard because we have to leave for church as soon as we finish eating and its past the kids bedtime by the time we get home. After the kids are settled in usually the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. (Well, except maybe eat ice cream)
Sitting here typing isn’t getting anything done. So, off I go.

Day 4 Going slow but going!

This picture has nothing to do with decluttering unless you consider that we "got rid of" some of Alysa's hair!! I was tired of dealing with the winter frizz and she was getting a mullett type look as it was getting very long in the back but not so much on the sides. Thanks to her hacking job a few months ago! She's a cutie!!

Day 4

So far we are:
- Getting dress to our shoes
- Keeping our sink shiny
- Reading 2 minutes of Reminders from FLylady’s e-mails.

I can see that the getting dressed first thing in the morning is what is going to give me trouble this time around. I am doing pretty well with the sink.
Today I am encouraged to write these things down on sticky notes and post them on the bathroom mirror and above the kitchen sink. This is supposed to help me remember the habits I am trying to establish. Something else that Flylady has me working on is a control journal. (you can find details about this on the web page (http://www.flylady.net/) This is where I will keep track of all my routines and schedules. Since I have already started mine I am not going to do the sticky notes.
I really hope to have a super looking kitchen by the end of the week. Right now it is in chaos. I have had to move everything so that Brian could have some room to work on the washing machine. It quit spinning. It has been out of commission about a week. When we do get it fixed I will be working on Mt. Washmore for 3 days straight I can imagine.

These are pretty basic right now but this is what I have for pages in my journal so far.

Morning Routine
1. Get out of bed and hit the ground Flying
2. Make the bed (I haven’t started to add this one yet. It will come later)
3. Get dressed to shoes: shower, hair and BeautiControl
4. Swish and swipe (I will explain this later also)
5. Check Calendar for appointments
6. Put dishes away


Afternoon Routine
1. Get dinner started; fill sink with hot soapy water, clean as I go
2. Sit down and drink some water for 5 minutes
3. Set table
4. Refresh for Brian
5. Check hot spots (explanation to come later)

My Before Bed Routine
1. Shine sink
2. Put out hot spots
3. Check calendar
4. Lay out clothes for tomorrow
5. Beauticontrol and brush teeth
Go to bed at a decent hour!

Now, this is how it looks in black and white. This is not to say this is where I am at today. It is where I HOPE to be by the end of these 30 days of Baby Steps.

Oh, I just love Flylady. There is so much to share but I can’t do it all now. Lol There is weekly routines and missions and menus. But, it’s off to take care of the breakfast dishes. I made the kids their dad’s famous cheese eggs. (Scrambled eggs sprinkled with mozzarella cheese)

Kristen, I hope this is helpful to you and that you enjoy the journey with me!

These are the feeling that I am trying to overcome.



Friday, February 06, 2009


rough draft


I’ve hit bottom once again. It’s become a familiar place to me.
I’m only existing and the light at the end of the tunnel I no longer see.

I’m so tired and overwhelmed by all the chaos.
My whole house could burn down and I'm not sure it'd be such a loss.

If I make any progress at all it doesn’t last.
I’m paralyzed by my perfectionism and my past.

Files, lists, menus, budgets, all look good in my head.
But I’m not even disciplined enough each day to make my bed.

At night when I want to sleep- my mind does not.
When I must wake – little sleep the night has brought.

You’d have a hard time convincing me that I’m a good mom today.
I’m just getting father and farther behind each day.

The kids are just acting like kids but patience I sometimes is lack
Sometimes I wish I’d bought them, so I could take them back.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them with all of my heart.
I’m just so empty and I don’t know where to start.

Uh oh!

This is what I woke up to this morning! I was doing dishes last night when Katie decided to have a meltdown. I took care of here and after she fell asleep I started on a project in the bedroom. I forgot about my dishes until after I had gone to bed. I did actually get out of bed to go do them but decided against it. I could hear Katie whimpering a little in her sleep. Since she is still not feeling good I didn't want to risk waking her. So, I am not going to be hard on myself. I finished them up quickly this morning while the kids ate their breakfast. Also, you can see some dishes on the side of the sink. Usually I let our supper dishes air dry over night and put them away in the morning. It's all going to be part of my "new routine" that I will share in the future.

Other than that, I am dressed and will work a little more today on the decluttering. Someone is coming today to pick up a box full of stuff that I am getting rid of. That will be a help. It's a nice feeling to actually get it OUT of the house instead of just in piles waiting to go!

For example...Am I really going to use 4 extra ice cube trays? My intentions....back when Tyler was born were to make my own baby food. 3 babies later and I never have used the trays for that purpose. Time to go. The dish drainer. It's from my mom's house. I already have my own. it doesn't even match my kitchen colors. Time to go. Time to let go. It's a dish drainer. It has not sentimental value. It's still not easy though but we're getting there.

Day 3

Wow. 8:45 am. What is so special about that time you ask? That is when my girls decided to roll out of bed. And what is so special about that? Well, first they NEVER sleep that long. Second, I was in bed with them!!
Tyler was a super good boy this morning and played quietly in his room. Though after I got up I found out why he was being so quiet. He had stinky diaper on. He knows better. Aside from sleeping in diapers Tyler and Alysa are both in undies during the day and doing very well. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to transition them out of diapers at night with the fewest wet beds as possible? I understand to limit drinks after supper. I am at a loss after that!

Ok. I did get up and dressed to my shoes. I would hade to anyway as the kids are going to the dentist today. (update: all went well. No cavities) I hope Alysa will feel well enough. I went the extra mile though. I am wearing a spritz of City Garden perfume and a dash of eyeliner. I also woke up to a shiny sink. I am not sure where Brian put his breakfast dishes. lol

Tyler thinks I am an awesome mom this morning because I gave them chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk for breakfast. He says, “We’re having everything chocolate!” Isn’t that the kind of breakfast you should have right before you go to the dentist J I have learned how nice it is when I do make a batch of pancakes to make some extra and put them in the freezer. Then all I have to do is pop them in the toaster for a couple minutes. That was all I had to do this morning.

The thought hit me to about getting up and dressed to the shoes. It’s not fair. I have to get 4 of us dressed! I’m just joking. And if I were being serious Flylady wouldn’t like it. One of her rules is – No Whining Allowed! What she would want us to do is to turn our negative thoughts around. So, I would say I was thankful to have three beautiful children to dress! That I am! And I wasn’t too good at getting them dressed first thing but it is now 11am and all are dressed and breakfast dishes are done along with some others that were floating around the kitchen. Just because I have a shiny sink doesn’t mean that ALL my dishes are done. That is another Flylady trick. She knows that for some of us if we had to do all the dishes in the sink before we shined it would never get done. She doesn’t care if we take the dishes out and set on the floor as long as we shine the sink first. Trust me, it makes sense.
I also took the liberty of cleaning the bathroom sink and surrounding area last night while Tyler was taking a bath.

Day 3 Do what you have already done.
- Getting up and dressed to the shoes
- Keeping your sink shiny
- Reading your reminders for 2 minutes

The other thing that I have liked about the Flylady program is how she breaks things up into Zones. I will get into this morelater but for now all I will say is that we work in a new Zone each week. This week is the KITCHEN. I am really excited about this because I just recently organized all the cupboards and stuff. I have just let the little things go…the dishes for example. The kitchen table has become a great big hot spot. So, by Friday I hope to have regained control over my Kitchen. (once and for all!! ) We also try to work on a new habit each month. This month is DECLUTTERING. Hooray!! I SO NEED THIS. “You can’t organize clutter!”

Day 2

Well, I shined my sink! Did you? (see day 1)

Day 2 is Get dressed to lace up shoes.

You will find this is another big thing with Flylady. She wants you up and dressed all the way to your shoes each morning. This means she wants us to comb our hair and put on our pretty face for those of us who wear make up. I don't really happen to be one of those people. So she tells us to at least put a little moisturizer on our face.

She wants us to be ready for whatever the day has in store for us. This means being able to open the door to an unexpected knock and not be embarrassed that we are still in our PJ's, at 4o'clock in the afternoon!!

Each day I will be building up on what I have been working on in the previous days. So before I go to bead to tomorrow night I will make sure my sink is shining. This, in theory, is supposed to be simple as I will have been washing the dishes after every mean and keeping it clean throughout the day. Time will tell.

The roosters above my sink were a Dollar Store find. I was super excited!

Never before seen pics

at least most of them are. My heart has healed enough to share some of these with you. And some are just for fun. Olivia

Olivia and her anteater Beanie Baby. I have it to give to Alysa someday.

my mom and Alysa

Precious Olivia

Mommy and Olivia

Mommy and Olivia

Pete (my dad) and Alysa

Mom with the kids

a good black mail picture!!!! (yup, this IS Tyler)

Alysa's preemie days

Day 1 Shine Your Sink

The ultimate goal of FLYing is Finally Loving Yourself. Since I am not to that point yet I want to FLY for the sake of my children and husband. I love them with all of my being.

Flying will help me eliminate the chaos in my life. CHAOS – Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome.
Yup – that’s how I feel – well not without crisis cleaning before each visit.

I just want this pattern to stop.

This is how I felt BEFORE Tyler was born. It’s been a constant battle. I want to finally end this war with a victory.

Thankfully, with God, each day is a new beginning. But, I am so tired of starting over. I’ve started over 1,000 times.

So, I’m going to start with the 30 day Baby step Challenge with Flylady. Not that it’ll be that interesting to you but I’m going to track/journal my progress here for my own benefit.

For those of you who may want more info. Check out www.flylady.net

DAY 1 GO SHINE YOUR SINK
This is a really big with Flylady. She wants us to wake up each morning to a shiny sink.

She gives instruction on her webpage on how to give your sink a thorough cleaning and make it shine. You do this major cleaning once with the goal of keeping it shining everyday.

So, this is what I will be doing tomorrow. I will not be going to church because Katelyn is still not feeling well at all.(She is being treated for strep throat/tonsilitis and has had a fever up to 104.) Also, Alysa is starting not to feel well. As long as Tyler still seems to be healthy in the morning he can go with Dad. The kids are awfully disappointed when the have to miss Sunday school. They really enjoy it. For that, I am so thankful. My hearts desire is to see our children come to the Lord at a very young age.

This also means for at least the next 30 days I hope to write something on the blog everyday. I hope this will form a habit to keep me writing. Even though I may not continue to write on the blog everyday after that I would like to start taking some time to start typing out my book. I have thought about adding a link to another blog just for my writings. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to share them to the world. Is this of any interest to any of you? I’m sure a lot of it might not make sense as I tended to write about things that were going on in my life at the time.
Anyway, it’s just something I am thinking about. I know I have mentioned it before but then I never did it.

hmmmmm

At this time the author would like to remain anonymous but I just wanted to share this poem with you and see what your thoughts were. If you could pass along a message of hope to the person who wrote this - what would it be? Have you eve felt like YOU cold have written these words? I will share my thoughts in the near future.


They huddle in small groups
Trying to find the answer why.
“She had such a great family”
“Why did she have to die?”

They only saw the door from the outside.
If it was ever opened at all
It would appear that all was fine.
But, it was just hidden behind a wall.

A Friend, and a Lover, a Daughter and Mother
She felt she was a failure in each title that she wore.
She tried to live a happy life.
But, it was a fake smile that she wore.

She felt tormented by the chaos.
Her secrets had been hidden way too long.
They will try to find the reason
Chances are, they will be wrong.

The chaos wasn’t fair to them
She hoped they’d get a better life.
He would be devastated for some time.
But he could get another wife.

There was no magic pill to give her a better life.
But many that could take her screwed up one away.
She had a choice – to live or die.
She couldn’t leave her children to wonder why she couldn’t stay.

So, she’ll stay and wear her Sunday smile
They’ll see her in church and pushing her grocery cart
And say, “Hi, how are you.” To which she will say “fine.”
But they will never know - she has a suicidal heart.

Sleep or not to sleep? That is the question.

Last night Katie slept through the night for the first time in what seems like forever! Tyler decided that it was his job to wake BOTH girls up about 6 o'clock this morning!! Mommy was not a happy camper. Once Katie is awake there is no getting her back to sleep, at least for a couple hours.

My kids really need to be taught the art of "sleeping in" - especially on weekends!

January 2009

Mommy's littlest helper.

all ready for Sunday school.

Tyler at age 4

Happy Birthday

It’s 7pm. Pj’s have been put on. Teeth have been brushed. 4 books have been read. The kiddos are in their own rooms looking at books for awhile until lights out. Except for Katie. She is going back and forth between the rooms doing whatever she wants. We have to keep an eye on that one. She is really into climbing and getting into all sorts of things. Brian found her the other day sitting…in the toilet. She also wants to be my little helper by picking up things and putting them in the trash. Clothes, TV remotes, toys, new diapers, dishes, a whole box of SOS pads. Oh, and she put her toothbrush in the fish bowl once. That leads to others stories…..but that will be for later.


Katie also likes to try to help with the dishes still. That of course means mopping the floor after. She also fights me every time I try to vacuum. She has to do it. She also likes to be an independent eater. This is fine if the menu choice is a cracker or something but no, I can’t feed her anything. This can get rather messy when it comes to yogurt and applesauce. Sometimes she ends up with more than one bath a day. She really does well for her age using a fork and spoon but she still tends to wear a lot of it. She's also been pretty generous with her hugs and kisses lately. That does wonders to a mom's weary soul!

Alysa has quite the personality. The things she comes of with sometimes just cracks me up. She has picked up shrugging her shoulders somewhere when she answers, “I don’t know.” Her favorite things to do are to blow bubbles and watch Little People. She is a Mommy's girl.

Tyler turned 4 the week after Christmas. He is pretty proud of becoming my big boy. He has also handled the transition of having to wear glasses all the time now quite well. When the pediatrician’s office said I should have them checked out because he seemed to squint during a checkup they were doing I really thought nothing of it. I was a little shocked to hear that he would need glasses.

He is learning to spell now. He can spell TYLER, ALYSA, AMY, NANA and ZOO. He can name and recognize all the letters on the keyboard. He can count to 13. He is also learning verses for Sunday school. I am so proud of him. His sisters are just as smart.

I have of course have broken all my New Years Resolutions. I still try to plug away getting more organized and now for the first time in mt life - lose some weight. Today was a day of letting go. I donated all of Tyler's baby clothes to our church for a ministry there. There were 2 large and 1 huge bin full to the brim with clothes from 0-9 months of age. The only thing that I kept was the outfit that he came home from the hospital in. It was a little hard to let go but I really don't have the place to store them and who knows if I will ever need them again. They are at least somewhere they will be used when needed.

I had already let go of the girls clothes. I held onto a few a the twins outfits and some special things for Alysa. I will let her decide what she wants to do with them when she is old enough to understand. I also kept one thing I really liked on Katie. These are big steps for me. I was also able to finally let go of all my mom's clothes that had been in storage. I hope they are a blessing to the people they were given to. (There is still more that that I am unable to get to but am ready when I can get it)

It still doesn't seem real. Brian is taking our VHS tapes and recording them on to DVD's for me. We did our wedding video last night. I didn't watch much of it but still happened to catch the part of my mom being walked down the isle. I can't really describe how that made me feel. You want to handle it fine as you know in your head that it's been almost 2 years but it makes it feel like yesterday. Now that I think about it that may have been what triggered me to have lots dreams about both my mom and dad last night. Unfortunately they were not all really pleasant dreams. I hate it that your mind can do things like that.

Well, Katie has now been banned to the Pack n Play. While I was typing the above thought I could hear here push open the bathroom door. Due to the cold the house has shifted and the door will no longer stayed closed. Anyway, I finished the sentence I was on and went to check on her. She was in there less than a minute. I found her trying to brush her teeth....with Tyler's toothbrush and climbing once again into the toilet. So I must go now and get this kiddo washed up and into dry Pjs

I had to come back to fix a few typos so I thought I would add couple things about Brian. He is still working full time in Portland, still working with the DETOUR youth group at our church and still a great dad. During his free time he really likes to read. But, he is usually so tired that reading leads to sleeping. He's happy to have a new season of the TV show "24" on and likes the show Knight Rider. We were just talking a few nights ago remembering when we were first married we did not have a TV at all for the first couple of years. (by choice) We don't have cable or anything like that now just the basic channels we can get with an antenna. There is enough on to entertain us in the evenings when we are too lazy to do anything else but also enough on there to show us just how much trash there is on TV. That is also for another time.

My life is about to take a new turn. Katie is easily climbing out of her Pack-n-Play and crib. I knew she could climb out of the pen but she would usually stay in there, even up until last night. Not today. So, this means no more showers for Mommy during the day. I used to be able to put her in her pen for a few minutes and grab a quick shower while Tyler and Alysa watched a movie. Guess those days are over. It also means that we are going to have to look at getting Alysa's regular twin bed out of storage and letting Katie have her bed (which has built in rails)

Katie is to YOUNG to be getting to be such a BIG GIRL!!!!!!!

Update to follow!

tonight while Brian is at a meeting (and after the kids go to bed) I AM GOING TO UPDATE THIS!!

first open house

I had my first BeautiControl Open House the other day. It gave me a good excuse to decorate for Christmas. This is the first year I have decorated in a long time. It's very hard as it was my mom's favorite time of year but I want to really try to enjoy it this year for the sake of my children. For those of you who couldn't make it I thought I would share a couple pictures from the Open House.

finally updating this

grrr the pictures posted backwards....

ok. this is for you Liz.

Where have I been. Right here, thinking.....I really need to update the blog. It started out innocent enough. I wanted to update on Katie's 1st birthday.

The day before her birthday Katie got sick so it wasn't really her best day on the 8th. That night Tyler and Alysa woke up at midnight minutes apart....throwing up. This went on about every 30 minutes for 4 hours.....both of them.....hence ,the pictures of them sleeping on the floor with plastic bowls beside them. Thankfully Katie slept through this....it took a few days to recoup and it just became easier and easier to put off updating the blog.

anyway....Katie is now my big girl! She is quite the little jabber box. She says, "hi", "mamma."

"dadda" "duck" among other things. She is my monkey climber with NO FEAR!

This post is far from done but Brian and I have a show coming on that we like to watch together. I just wanted to at least get things started.

Since Christmas is coming I wanted to remind you of the opportunity to check out the fabulous Beauti Control products.

http://www.beautipage.com/amyritchie

The Snowflakes Collection smells absolutely yummy.
Hey you can join up for only $99 this month. Check it out and feel free to e-mail me with any questions.

I will share more about this later. Right now Katies needs a baths.

Pepsi or Coke

A year and a half today. I commemorated it with Cheeze Its and Pepsi. I think your preference would have been a Coke. I couldn’t quite remember. That made me cry. A simple phone call that I could not make. I solaced myself with the thought that I could of had Dr. Thunder and ended the debate altogether.

I was supposed to have a dentist appointment today. For other reasons I ended up having to reschedule it a few days ago. Now I am glad. A month ago I would have anticipated this being just another day. That is usually how these anniversary dates go. It’s usually the days leading up to them that are hard. Not this time. Today is hard. I have that “It’s hard to breathe feeling.” I think it’s the “I am trying not to cry in from of the kids” feeling.

On a very different note….

You know you need to dust off the ceiling fan a little more often when you do and they kids say, “It’s snowing!”

Speaking of snow, we saw it last Wednesday. It was just a sprinkle but it was snow!! So, winter is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas is coming. I am going to try really hard to enjoy it this year. Make it really special for the kids. Oh yeah, and birthdays are coming. Saturday will be Katie’s big day!! There will be pictures!!

Last year at this time when Katie was born we had just past the 6 months mark. I remember I started crying on the operation table just minutes after she was born because it became so real that mom was not there. And she wasn’t going to be walking through the door to meet Katie at all….ever…..


Oh God, why. WHY WHY WHY………

(initial thoughts...more to come)

I know I recently posted this one of Alysa but when I found Tyler like this one night I had to laugh.

This would have been a better "before haircut" picture

This is the result of about 3 hours of fresh air and sunshine.