Friday, July 21, 2006

Missing Olivia

Maybe the first couple of weeks were the easiest, as least for me. Things were still busy with making arrangements and packing up her medical equipment and having people pick up things that we were giving away. The days are still releatively easy. It is easy to stay busy. It's at night, after Tyler and Alysa are in bed. That is when it gets tough. The heart hurts a little more. Someone sent us the words to the song that we posted the other night. I have been playing it over and over. I miss her SO much. Our Precious baby girl.

I've been a Christian ever since I was a little girl. Of course, as a believer I have always said that I wanted to go to heaven and be with the Lord. The reality was a little different. I had become attatched to this old world. I liked my house and all my things and I had a wonderful son and husband. I wanted to stay here. Heaven was nice in theory and even though Jesus, my Lord and Saviour is there, it wasn't enought to make my heart ache to be there. How sad. But now, oh now, that our little muffin, Olivia is there, my heart aches to be Home. Of course I do not want to die and leave my loved ones here to feel hurt and loss. But now I can more honestly say that I looking forward to the Lord's coming again.

I Thessalonians 4:15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. 16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: 17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

For the first time these words really speak to me. I am sad that it has taken the loss of our daughter to make me truly feel homesick for Heaven. It has turned a lightbulb on. I think back to all the times I would sing this song called "More than enough." It talks about about the Lord being more than enough. I was singing the words but not really meaning them. How many times have I done that?

My hearts desire is that I will allow Jesus to become real enough to me that just to be with Him alone would BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

This illustration comes to mind when I think of things that I might say and really have no concept of what it really means. It is like when I say that I realize that everything that I have, children and family included, belongs to the Lord. It is easy to say because I have all this "stuff" to use for my needs and pleasures. But, it is when my house burns completely to the ground and I lose everything, that I really can grasp that what I had was the Lord's. I guess it makes me think of the story of Job in the Bible.

I know that these thoughts are scattered and some of the them could be expounded upon some more. I am not trying to preach at you you or jam my beliefs down your throat. This is a site that you are free to come and read, only if you want. I am just sharing what is in my heart at this time. A very vunerable time. There are thoughts that I would normally write in a journal and not share with the whole world normally. I don't have the time to sit and hand write all these thoughts and I only share them so that you can see how the Lord brings us through these very dark days. This is just a mother's heart being shared. It doesn't even mean that everything I say is completely accurate. They are just thoughts and things that I need to pray about and search out in my own life.

It is hard to learn from someone else's mistakes. If even just one person looked into their heart and realized that they say that "Jesus is all I want" but don't really mean it and they get on there face before the Lord and allow Him to work in their heart to really change that to a truth in their life then some good has come from this.

I do not want Olivia's life and death to have been for nothing. I want lots of good to come from it. I do not want her memory to fade away.

Love, Mommy

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