Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mommy's Thoughts

Well, we made it through the first week since Olivia left us. I don't know what to say but I wanted to write something. This afternoon I had lots of thoughts running through my mind but as I go to type them now, I draw a blank.

We have good moments and bad moments. I miss her greatly. She was such a different spirit than Alysa is. Isn't that how it seems to go though. The young, innocent ones who are ill seem to have such a gentle and loving way about them. Olivia was so easy to love. I do wish that more of you could have met her personally. I guess I believed that we would have more time. But, I know that she is in a better place. When I look back at all that she endured it really amazes me. There were so many uncomfortable things that we had to do to her to keep her here, such as the suctioning. Yet, she seemed so forgiving. She seemed to look at you with those big blue eyes, saying, "I know that you are doing this so that I can spend a little time with you. I am going to fight and hold on as long as I can. But, I am getting tired."

She was that. A Fighter. She came home on a Thursday and things started going downhill for her on the following Tuesday. We really thought we were going to lose her that day, but low and behold we made it through the night - and the next 9 nights. Each day that we had her was a gift. We realize that. The doctors had told us the night that the girls were delivered that Olivia might not make it through the night.
We had the chance to cherish her for almost 3 months. I try to take comfort in the fact that Olivia is in Heaven with my mom. This is the date of the anniversary of my mom's death. It made for a hard day of thinking. It one of those "where the rubber meets the road" kind of day. It tests your faith to help you see if it is real.

I know that it is. We still see God working and see His handing guiding. On the day of Olivia's graveside service, when we got in the car to leave, the radio was on and at that moment, the song that we had chosen for her was playing. And, as it would be it was in the middle of the song so the words that we heard as we got in the car were, " I raise my hand and praise the God who gives........and takes away."

God did not take Olivia from us. Olivia was always more God's than ours from the start. As is with all our children. They are gifts from God to raise to know and love God. Someday we are going to have to let our other children go too. Hopefully not to death, but to marriage or ministry or whatever the Lord calls them too. It doesn't mean that I understand why things had to be this way. It doesn't mean that I like it. I try to remember that God is in control and he sees the whole picture and I do not.

I am SO thankful that He in His mercy did not leave us empty handed. We still have Alysa here to love and to hold and to help fill that empty place. And being an identical twin, we will get to catch of glimpse of what Olivia would have been as we watch Alysa grow up. That is something that most parents do not get to do when they lose a child. And Tyler, what can I say about him. He is at that stage were he is SO CUTE. He is into mimicking the things that you do and say. His vocabulary is growing everyday. I wish I knew what he is thinking. He goes from having one sister here to two and then back to one again. He saw the crib in our living room for two weeks and now it is gone. I know that he knows things have changed. As both of them grow I hope that they can understand that they have a sister who is Heaven with Jesus. That is another whole issue in itself.

I feel that I could just keep writing. I love to write and there are many more thoughts and stories that I would love to share. Maybe another time. But it is midnight and I will not want to get up to go church in the morning so I will end for now.

Thank you all for your love, prayers, cards and support during this difficult but growing time in our lives.

2 comments:

Liz Jensen said...

Hi Amy, I just read through all of your story with sweet Olivia (I am on the MoMo facebook page) and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your faith. I was moved to tears a few times as I read and thought about your sweet angel. I am currently at 26 weeks on continuous monitoring and I know that we have no guarantees about outcomes, but reading your story gave me hope that with faith God will see us through wherever this path may lead us. I hope you and your family are healing in Christ, and will pray for you.

Liz Jensen said...

Hi Amy, I just read through all of your story with sweet Olivia (I am on the MoMo facebook page) and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your faith. I was moved to tears a few times as I read and thought about your sweet angel. I am currently at 26 weeks on continuous monitoring and I know that we have no guarantees about outcomes, but reading your story gave me hope that with faith God will see us through wherever this path may lead us. I hope you and your family are healing in Christ, and will pray for you.