I've heard it a few times in the past weeks - "You are such a STRONG person.. ..You are such a strong family."
I suppose it may appear that way, but, actually I am very weak. I hold it together most days because I have to. Tyler is not old enough to understand it all but he can tell when mommy is having a bad day. I try to get it together and hold in the tears. Some days I just don't want to. I know that I need to cry.
To be very transparent with you I am feeling very overwhelmed. I am doing what I did not want to do. I am not blaming anyone - there really isn't anyone to blame. But, I am asking myself that age old question - "What if?" Does it to me any good to ask, "Did we make the wrong decisions?" Would I want someone to answer me - "Yes." ?
The moment Olivia died, so did all the hope. There is now a void in my heart where that hope used to be. Hope for a miracle. Hope for a better day the next day. Hope for another day period. Now there is just an empty place. I do not know what I am supposed to put in that place. It hurts.
I miss her so much.
I miss holding her.
I miss her scent.
I miss the weight of her on my chest,
I even miss her pathetic sounding cry.
I miss seeing her sleeping beside her sister.
I miss looking into her eyes.
I miss her needing me.
I miss her soft hair.
I miss the dreams that I had for her.
I miss the hope that my heart held that a miracle would happen.
I miss knowing she is there.
I have started to write out more of my thoughts in the past days. Writing is something that I have enjoyed since high school. I think it may be something that I got from my mom. I've had a couple people mention that they think I should write a book. I've started one but I don't think that it will ever make it out into the world. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I will start to share some of the thoughts with you on this page. (in the days to come)
The above thoughts were written a couple of days ago. I don't really remember exactly when. The days are all kind if mushed together. I wanted to go back to my thoughts about the comment, "You are such a strong person." As, I said, it may appear that way but I am not. I'll try to share a little tonight about what is going on in my mind. I would appreciate those of your who are praying for us to please continue. It's almost midnight. I can't sleep. All I can do is cry. This has become normal. I want to sleep because I know I have a very active 20 month old who will be waking up about 6:30 am. I am want to sleep but my mind wants to think about Olivia. I keep staring at a picture or two that I have of her. I get so mad at myself because I never took the time to print out either of the girls pictures. (We took all of them on a digital camera.) Now, it seems to hard to go back and print them. I feel like my world is growing up around me. What is growing is not beautiful bouquets of flowers but nasty bug filled weeds. I miss her so much it hurts. I want her back. I want her whole. And I know that she is and to want her back her would be an awful thing for her. Even my love for her as her mother was not strong enough to make her well.
Aug. 29. The above thoughts were cut short with Alysa's waking up. It was a good for me because it got my mind busy.
It's about 4:30pm. It's all to vivid to remember where I was at this same time two months ago today. I was holding my little girls body. And that's all it was because a few moments before her soul had gone to be with Jesus. That part of my prayer did get a yes. I had wanted to be holding Olivia when she died.
Alysa and Tyler were at their Nana's house. I was here with my "mom" and Olivia. Brian was just getting home from work. Just a little too late to say one last goodbye to his Muffin. We had already said our goodbyes though in the prior days when we knew her time was short.
I had hoped for a better day today. Sunshine perhaps.
Today is sad and dreary instead. Two months ago today, my life changed forever.
As with all the greatest memories our lives I know this will be no different.
The moments that I want to remember forever are, in time, going to fade.
The images and sounds that I want to forget are going to be forever in my mind, as etched in stone.