Friday, November 03, 2006

7 months old

Alysa is 7 months old today. It's really hard to believe. You just have to adore her little love handles!

Being the 3rd also means that is was 4 months ago that we standing at the cemetery saying goodbye to Olivia. The last few days I have been having a REALLY hard time. I just can't let it go. I keep thinking that if I had gone for inpatient monitoring that everything would have been different. I don't want to do the blame game. It's easy to say, "can't change it, you just got to move on." I've moved on in that sense. I'm continuing to live and I know that God can use this for His glory. That is what I have to remember to keep sane. I want my little girl here SO much. But, I know that nothing I could do or say NOW can bring her back. I talked about this before when I said that it means that all the HOPE died the moment she died. I can't pray her back. Maybe the reality of that is just starting to hit.

I was really struggling with this in my heart tonight before I did my devotions. Then what I read really hit me in the face. The verses were in Romans talking about how "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God..."

The book talked about computers are delete keys. The author wanted to know if there was a time in our life that we would want to delete. She talked about some difficult times in her life that she would erase. Then she talked about God's faithfulness to her and her family during those times. She said, "I couldn't erase these days of need without obliterating God's provision!"

She wanted us to contemplate if we would purge these moments from our life meaning we would also erase the deeper lessons that we learned from them.

You may wonder what I am trying to say. It was just what I needed to hear at that moment. It gave me a peace that I
so desperately needed. It doesn't take all the hurt out but it helps ease it a little. As Brian reminds me when I get down and start to blame myself, I can't change the past and the decisions that were made. I can only change how I let it affect my future.


Lori Richards said...

Dont beat yourself up for not going inpatient. I was being watched 2 times a week and was in the hospital when whatever happened to Emma happened and they still didnt pick it up!

LOL love those love handles. What a cutie

Anonymous said...

Just checking in to read how you are doing. Thanks for the update and pictures.
You have two beautiful children here on earth and a precious angel in Heaven.
Trust in our LORD for HE knows the plans HE has for us.