Sunday, June 03, 2007

A month has passed

I can't really believe that it has been a month today since my mom died. But then again, I can. I guess you could say that it all hit today and I kind of had a melt down. I've since had a couple of good cries and a nice long shower. I can face the world again for awhile.

The reality hit that I have not talked to mom in 30 days. I have not been able to tell her that I love her and hear her say "I love you too, more than you'll ever know." That is what she used to say sometimes.

All the stress that I knew my body was feeling but my mind had not comprehended hit me today. I found myself yelling at my little girl because she was crying. Things were coming out of my mouth that I am not proud of. Of course, the more upset that I got the more upset that Alysa got. It was horrible. I ended up just laying on the bed with her as she just went hysterical and I could not calm her. The damage was done. Brian had to take and calm her. He brought her back later and she snuggled with me as I said I was sorry for being a bad mommy earlier and finally she drifted off to sleep.

It was the most horrible experience. I never want to let the stress and my emotions build up like that again. I am so thankful that the month of May is over and I never have to relive it again.

Three trips to mom's house in a month when she was not even there just took a toll on all of us. The week that my mom died obviously was one of the worst weeks of my life.
The sad thing was, that dealing with my family at times was harder on my emotions that dealing with the grief of losing my mother. They do say that family members are the ones that can hurt you the most. I can't really share with you anything in detail. It wouldn't really matter and probably cause more harm that good but I will suffice it to say that I am glad it is over.

I do want to share with you the last photo that was taken of my mom. It was at church on Easter Sunday.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amy,
I have been praying for you and will continue to do that....you are not a bad mom, you are a wonderful mother who loves her children with more than you ever thought was imaginable.....you are just dealing with alot. Know that I am here if you need to talk......
Kristen Mowry

Laura said...

I have been thinking of you quite a bit. You have been through so much this past year. Please give yourself a break, no one person can handle all this stress without breaking down at some point. I can feel reading how terrible this has been for you. I am praying for you! Your mom looks so healthy and vibrant in the picture. I am so glad you have so many wonderful and dear memories together. Remember those last forever! ((HUGS))

nichole said...

your mom was a wonderful person and you were so lucky to have her but she was lucky to have you too, but your children and husband a are lucky as well you are a great person with a huge heart and i know it will take time but you will get thru this. just know that there are a lot of us from HOME that are here for you and would still love to see and hear from you from time to time

Debbie said...

Dear Amy,
It was so good to see you a few weeks ago in Subway. I am so glad that you came up to Frank and I. I have read your blog from beginning to end and I have to say that you are one amazing woman! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You have such wisdom and the love you have for the Lord is clearly evident in your writing.
The picture of your mom is a beautiful picture, she looked so good.
I agree with the other women who left messages, no one person can handle what you have gone through and not be under stress.
My life verse is Hebrews 11:1- Now the faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
I know that I live a few hours from you, but if you need anything, feel free to call me or email me. I am praying for you.
In Christ, Debbie

Tim said...

Amy,
Hope things are going well. That is a wonderful photo...the light in her eyes and the wonderful smile. I was hoping to visit her this Summer. I guess it's true that we shouldn't put off till tomorrow what we can do today.

Tim

Anonymous said...

Amy,

Hey sweetie its tess. I dont even know what to say. I love you more than anything and i want you to know that I am here for you NO MATTER WHAT. You are my best friend and i love you with all my heart. I love marian and i miss her just as much as you do. she was an amazing woman and she touched my life in ways that i could never thank her enough.. i love you amy

Anonymous said...

I remember the first time I met your mom at MCD's in Calais. I knew from that moment on how special a person she was. She left her touch on your life and all who know you can see her in you. Continue to be a light to your kids, they will see what others see.