I can't really believe that it has been a month today since my mom died. But then again, I can. I guess you could say that it all hit today and I kind of had a melt down. I've since had a couple of good cries and a nice long shower. I can face the world again for awhile.
The reality hit that I have not talked to mom in 30 days. I have not been able to tell her that I love her and hear her say "I love you too, more than you'll ever know." That is what she used to say sometimes.
All the stress that I knew my body was feeling but my mind had not comprehended hit me today. I found myself yelling at my little girl because she was crying. Things were coming out of my mouth that I am not proud of. Of course, the more upset that I got the more upset that Alysa got. It was horrible. I ended up just laying on the bed with her as she just went hysterical and I could not calm her. The damage was done. Brian had to take and calm her. He brought her back later and she snuggled with me as I said I was sorry for being a bad mommy earlier and finally she drifted off to sleep.
It was the most horrible experience. I never want to let the stress and my emotions build up like that again. I am so thankful that the month of May is over and I never have to relive it again.
Three trips to mom's house in a month when she was not even there just took a toll on all of us. The week that my mom died obviously was one of the worst weeks of my life.
The sad thing was, that dealing with my family at times was harder on my emotions that dealing with the grief of losing my mother. They do say that family members are the ones that can hurt you the most. I can't really share with you anything in detail. It wouldn't really matter and probably cause more harm that good but I will suffice it to say that I am glad it is over.
I do want to share with you the last photo that was taken of my mom. It was at church on Easter Sunday.