What a hard day. I did manage to clean half of my living room but that was about it.
For lunch I had something that made me think of mom and that is what started it I guess. This evening it was just listening to and watching Alysa. She is so grown up in some ways. Such a different person that the "baby" my mom saw in March.
It just started the line of thinking.
"My mom really died. Her heart stopped beating and she took her last breath.
She was alone. It wasn't supposed to be that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was supposed to get old or sick or something and I was supposed to take care of her.
She was supposed to move closer to us.
She was supposed to be here when my little girl enters the world.
She was supposed to see Tyler go to kindergarten and Alysa and all of them!!
I miss her SO much.
It hurts so much.
The phone is supposed to ring at some random time and it is supposed to be mom.
I am supposed to have someone to send the cute pictures of my kids.
She is supposed to be here on the 29th for her birthday. I should have been there with her making her a cake and treating her special - NOT packing her things into boxes and selling her furniture!
I see what I thought was SUPPOSED to be and what the Lord so saw fit to have happen are two different things. I can't really believe she is gone. What lesson am I supposed to walk away with. Why now? Why this year? Wasn't letting go of Olivia and hearing her take her last breath enough?"