This is something from my journal a few nights ago. Very random and personal. Not written to anyone just what I was thinking at the moment.
I. Spiritual Thoughts
It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. There isn’t anything particular on my mind tonight.
I really miss mom. I still can’t comprehend that she is gone. It really makes me take a deeper look at my life. After Olivia, Mom and Pete – Death is very real.
REAL. INSTANT. I realize someone can be in the process of dying for months, weeks, or days. (actually the moment we are born we are dying) But I’m talking about that final moment. At one moment Olivia was here. She was breathing. Her heart was beating. Her soul was inside her body. Then, in an instant – her heart beat that one last time and her soul was in Heaven with her Lord.
“To absent from the body is to be present wit the Lord.’
Now, for me as he mommy, this is where the “rubber meets the road” so to speak. It’s the time I really take a look at my faith. Is it Real? Solid? Do I REALLY believe what I just wrote? Is Heaven my reality?
Yes, it is. But, I would not be telling the truth is I didn’t admit that there are those fleeting moments of doubt and that “what if” moments. I try not to entertain these thoughts. I know that they are not from the Lord. I have to remember Jesus. I have to remember that He died on the cross for me – for Heaven’s sake.
In reality I suppose it takes the same amount of faith to believe, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”, as it does all the rest.
II. missing my mom
The last time you “saw” Alysa she wasn’t even walking. If only you could see her now. You knew Tyler to be quite the chatter box but now you can hold actual conversations with him.
I am about 3 weeks away from having Katelyn. I never got to call and tell you that she was a she! Or her name. I can’t believe you are not going to be here to hold her. The flip side is – the last time that I saw Olivia she was only almost 3 months old. And you get to be with her now.
What happened mom? Was it the chemo? Was it just your heart, or the chemo did this to your heart? Were you scared? Were you in pain long? What were your last thoughts?
I’m so sorry that you were alone. Since you can’t answer me I can’t only hope that you felt the Lord’s presence and that is wasn’t a long walk Home.