Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Don't try to figure this out

Where have I been?

Right here.

I have wanted to write many times
.

I have had many things to write about.

But...

It's been busy or felt that other things were more important.

Christmas has come and gone. It's a New Year.

Katelyn is two months old today.

Tyler is now 3!

Tyler and Alysa are growing up so fast. Both are "potty training" Fun Fun

How are we doing?

I can't complain. Still taking one day at a time. I cry more now than I did at first. Some days are really good though. Life still has Joy. My kids bring me so much joy and laughter. Brian does too. He still brings those unexpected flowers just when I need them most. It's not the flowers that I want, of course. It's knowing that he knows that it's hard and he doesn't have the words to make it all better but he still cares.

As some of you have noticed there is a new link on this page. Brian has started a blog of his own. It's more based on his thought and where the Lord is leading our family in the direction of ministry. As with me, he aways has more to share than time allows.

I sit here and write and it may seems like I'm just picking up where I left off. Maybe it worked out best that I did not write certain posts the moments I wanted to. Some of them would have been written with an angry spirit. The Lord has had to and still is working with me on that. I am trying not to be angry and let the Lord deal with it. I have a couple really big decisions to make and I really want to do the right things. Well, maybe part of me doesn't.

Don't try to figure these next thoughts out....they are more for me than you.

Why? What were you thinking? You weren't. That was the problem.

I'm so mad at you. Why couldn't you leave well enough alone. You had no right really to take what you did. I don't want to care anymore. I want to wash my hands of it but even when I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me...it still does.

If she had only known. Maybe she does. What would she have me to do. Would she have left things different.

Tying not to go on a power trip. Do I really want to do the right thing? Does it really matter anymore?

I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I have been lied to.

I knew then it wouldn't bring us together.

"each days has it's memories, and when the day is through, the things that I remember... are the things I did with you." (sung by Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street)

I miss you both so much.

I want to get it together and make you proud. You were proud of me no matter what.

It seems I only hear from you when you want something.

Life. It goes on.

You can start over. We all have to do it. We will be right here for you. No matter what. We stil love you. It was a mistake. We all make them. Just don't make it again. Learn from it and lean on Jesus.

Don't avoid me any longer. Let me help you.

Yep, you'll be really angry with me. Will that really bother me? Won't change much. I don't think anything you say could hurt me any more than you already have so what do I have to lose?

Father, give me wisdom to know that right thing and the backbone to follow through.
It's easy to say the words. Soften my heart to actually mean them.

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