For those of you who may be newer to this blog and do not know me well, you are in for a shocking entry. It may even shock those of you who do know me. Yep, open and honest....(this was orignally something that I wanted to share with the youth group at our church)
Why is it that I can write this amazing story or letter in my head, but when I go to write it down, the words are like scrambled eggs in my head? Though I do not know what the last chapter will say, I want my story to help others.
I am so tired of hiding behind a mask of normality. I am too tired of pretending that I have it all together. I don't want to pretend anymore. The truth be known, I don't really know what I want at all.
This is where I have to say I am sorry. Not just to you, but to everyone that I have met. I have not been a very good friend, listener or helper. Going into all the details in this chapter would not be beneficial but a bare bone structure will help.
Things are not always as they appear. I bet you have never heard that before! It is about as familiar as the cliche that, “The grass is always greener on the other side.”
I am about to be very honest with you. You know what? I don't have it all together. The sad thing is, I know that some of you have detected that already. You see it in my life and you see it in the interactions of Brian and I on a day to day basis. As much as I wanted to hide it all, it could not be hidden.
I want to share this story with you in the hopes that even just one of you might benefit from it.
The trigger point that got this ball rolling (again) was when my application with New Tribes Mission got declined back in October of 2003. The basic reason was because I had some depression issues that were not being treated. Someone does not get depressed overnight. To be very transparent, I have been struggling with this since before high school. With each new phase in life - high school, college, then marriage the degree of depression increased and the symptoms more severe.
Most of you might not believe me if I told you that one day after classes, while I was in Bible school, I came back to my room and dumped a bunch of pills on the dresser in front of me. I did not stop there. I proceeded to take some of them. Another phrase that I hear all too often is, “They did as a cry for help.” I guess that was what it was. You see, I did not REALLY want to die. I knew there was more to life, but I could not see it. I was too afraid of what would happen if I did die or even worse, if my attempt failed but I had to go on living with bad reprocusions of my actions such as brain damage.
The reverse side is, that I did not really want to live either.
I was caught in the act to say and I got a lecture from the dean of women and a little slap on the wrists so to speak and some verses thrown at me. I was at Bible school you know and that was what was supposed to happen right? Someone reads you a verse from the Bible and that makes things all better. WRONG!
Maybe it's my fault. I tried some counseling and medications but I never stuck with anything. Maybe I am the one to blame for all this. I don't know. I really don't know anything anymore.
A year and a half after college Brian and I were married. The thing that my mother told him when he asked her permission to marry was, “You have seen her moods and emotions. You have seen the good and the bad. If you can handle that, all the power to you.”
Brian, I guess thought he could handle it OR that things would change.
I want you to know that Brian really isn't the problem here. We all bring a certain amount of baggage into a relationship-marriage. He may have brought his suitcase full. I brought in a 18 wheeler so packed that things were squishing out under the door.
My starting thought is ringing true here. Just moments ago, I had this little conversation to myself in the mirror and I said exactly what I wanted to say. Now, I am rambling and not really saying anything at all.
I wanted to be open with you that you so it could help you see that you are not alone if you struggle with depression, low self esteem or just the feeling that you can't keep your head above water. I am not saying “Come and talk to me, I understand.” I am probably that last person that you should talk to. But, it is crucially important that you talk to someone you trust. Keeping all these negative emotions bottles up inside never helped anyone.
Yet, don't think that I can't hear what you are thinking. “She has no idea.” Yes, I graduated from high school about 7 years ago. That may seem like forever to you but it is not.
I have not figured out why yet, but the Lord allowed me to face a lot of different issues in my life, and I want to use them for good.
I do understand what it's like to have a family member choose alcohol over a relationship with his family. I know that it hurts to be abandoned by people who are supposed to be there no matter what. The first time that I ever remember meeting my dad, I was ten years old. I saw him for one weekend. The next time that I saw him, I was 20! I know what it is like to have this sick feeling come over your body when a certain person enters the room because you know that when you were a little child, innocent and trusting that he WASN't. I know what it sounds like to hear the words, “we are getting divorced.” I know that heartbreak of having a parent move out of the house and have that empty place at the table every night. I am familiar with the grief that comes with death. Death from sickness, death from car accidents, death due to the use of alcohol. I have felt the peer pressure to have a drink or party a little. I know drugs and the like are more prevalent in the teenage realm today but I remember what it was like. It wasn't that long ago.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I have had the worse plate called Life handed to me. I have not had to deal with being disabled or I was not born with HIV because my mom was a drug addict. I know that are a people out there who have a lot more adversity to deal with.
I just want you to see......I have no idea what, but, I want you to see.