Thursday, May 22, 2008

the letter

I found the letter that I had wanted to share with you on May 3rd. My mom wrote it to me when I was 14. I was going through a rebellious stage. The letter speaks for itself – I could say more but at the moment it hurts too much. Just getting it typed is all I can do for now.

March 28, 1993

Dearest Amy,
I know I’m not your mother and never can be. Rebecca was my daughter, who I loved very much. Through her illness we became very, very close. You are my grand-daughter, who I love very much. Through things that happened beyond my control, we are left together. Your Mom wanted you to know Jesus Christ as you Savior and Lord. She wanted you to love Him and serve Him. She asked me, in her absence to guide you, teach you right from wrong, to watch over you, to fill in for her. That’s what I’ve tried to do. Maybe at times I over do it. If you think about it, I was a teen at one time. I know what it’s like. I raised three daughters who were teens at one time. I see a lot of mistakes I made back then and I try not to repeat them. Yet I still do. I only want the best for you.

I’m sorry if I don’t see a lot of the things that way you do I’m sorry I embarrass you. Like you said I’m not perfect. – far from it. But I try to do the best I can. At times I feel all you think I’m here for is to cook, wash clothes, pick up and take you places. It’s just taken for granted that I do these things. I know you have feelings and I know that I have hurt them many times by yelling or looks or words. Many times, as I look back, knowing I don’t mean them but do it to hurt because I’m hurting. That’s not right and I am sorry.

When I look at other teens and the things they do and say- Amy I would not trade you for anyone. I’m thankful that God has given me you.
There is a saying “Grandparents weren’t meant to raise children.’ There’s a lot of truth to that. I know I don’t have the energy to keep up with you and things you want to do. I have been trying – like going to Calais or Ellsworth for the day. Sometimes (a lot) money is a bigger problem. It takes money to do these things or go places.

I know I don’t have the patience I need or maybe should have. I have been trying to work on that. I pray daily to be what God wants me to be and to do a good job with you. But then it seems I bow it every day.

All I can say, Amy, is I know I'm not your Mom - but I’ve had you since you came home from the hospital – I fed you, bathed you, sat up with you when you were sick. After Rebecca died, I’ve had all the responsibilities of being the Mom and being proud of all the things you accomplish.

My love for you is more than a grand-mother-grand-daughter relationship because of the circumstances. You have been here with me for all your 14 years. You are my life – for without you I’d have nothing.

I love you with all my heart. I’m sorry for hurting you. When I do things wrong please talk with me. Please forgive me.

(this was not how she usually signed her cards or letters. It was always mom.....)


Truck Driver Wife said...

Thank you for sharing that letter. Wow.

j said...

Dear Amy,
I actually did get to meet your mom once while I was at church in Machias. I had already been praying for your family because of her good friend Pat. That is a beautiful letter your grammie/mom wrote. She loved you very much. I still remember your family often in my prayers.
Bless you <>< Julie