Monday, June 09, 2008

water under the bridge

written Saturday 11:42pm

I can’t sleep. There’s a lot on my mind – and the OCD in me will just keep playing it over and over so I might as well write it out. I haven’t felt like writing much because there has been so much to say. I tend to do that sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with what do – so I do nothing.

The last couple of weeks are hearts have been full of anticipation. On a planned trip up North for an interview for Brian we made plans to visit Brian’s grandparents and an aunt. This would be her first time seeing Katelyn in person. We ended up going a week early to see his aunt …at her memorial service.
What really hit hard that day was having her husband stand by her casket at the front of the church and state something along the lines that he had stood at the front of the church to watch her walk the isle and become his bride and now 16 years later he standing there to say goodbye (yes, it was their anniversary day) wow

The interview- you’ll find a little more about this on Brian’s blog – though he’s yet to update it as far as what we got for a response.
The final decision seems to be that we are not going. All the details are not important: It’s just left me (us) feeling confused and vulnerable (in a good way)
When a door seemed to be opening, Brian and I weren’t sure we liked the look of it. Then we went and got a little feel for the place and it seemed a good fit. We felt excited about this opportunity and what it could mean for our family and this church. I think it came as a little surprise when the door closed just like that. It left us wondering…”What now, Lord?”
As soon as I could find some quiet time – usually after at least 2 of the 3 kids are in bed – I went to the Lord with a hear full of questions and disappointment. I didn’t get a specific answer to my ?’s but this verse

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I would like the answers now, of course. He just wants me to trust in the fact that He is in control.Father God,
I’m so glad that you see the big picture, I’m only seeing it in little pieces and sometimes I want to come to You and say, “ummm Lord, this isn’t a pretty picture.” But, I know that you only make good and beautiful things. It’s all about perspective.

Yes, Brian and I seem to get our hopes up too easily and rush ahead of things in our minds. I think we have learned not to mention to the kids about the possibility of moving until it is a for sure thing. Tyler keeps asking us about moving to a new house and going to a new church.

We spent many hours in the car the weekend we were away for this church interview. It’s not wasted time. There was a lot to be learned on our part and hopefully theirs too. Long car rides are always good time to talk. Brian and I talk a lot to each other usually but what else can you do for 10 or so hours while traveling. It just reminds me how blessed I am to be married to my best friend. I know he loves the Lord and just wants our family to be wherever God wants us – wherever that might be. For now, that wherever is right here. The question is – What does He want us here for? We are willing to GO anywhere – but the only doors that are opening are the ones with signs that read, “STAY.”

So the journey continues. I’ll try to do better in keeping you up to date. As always, please continue to pray for us as we seek God’s leading in our lives.

I am missing you so much. We decided to eat at KFC on the way up North. It hit me the last time I ate there was with you. I cried. It’s strange what seemingly little things hit. But, they can hit so hard.

Ice cream cones – especially my kids eating them. Summer and Yards Sales. Memories. Corn Chowder. I never wrote down your recipe. It only tasted like that when you made it anyway. TTGTT. We had some strange bonds huh?
I’ve been thinking about you so much as I contemplate all the changed that could happen. Since there is no need to go back home, I don’t care where we move. My family now is Brian and the kids. I’ll follow him anywhere the Lord leads. I always would have anyway. Just think, we wanted to love in Papua New Guinea at one time! Now it’s just a little easier. I don’t have to say goodbye. You’re the one who moved so far away I can’t visit you in this lifetime anyway. I’ll see you and again I look forward to that day with all my heart.


Anonymous said...

Will be praying that the Lord shows you where He would want you to be! That is so wonderful that you and Brian are so meant for each other. God will provide for you!

Kristen said...

Amy, I am so glad that you shared this with us, I know what you mean about all the changes in ministry and getting your hopes is tough, but God WILL lead.......I know because we are still waiting on God for Him to show us too.....I am praying for you and drop me a line sometime!

Truck Driver Wife said...

Amy, God sure does know where you are needed. Your post has spoken pretty loud to me. My picture is not pretty and I am questioning. Thank you for showing me.

Thank you.