I am sharing the following with you all because that I what I do. I'm tired of living the double life as it is so instead I am going to share it all in the hopes that it might be helpful to others out there who are on the same path. Before you get worried and start e-mailing about getting the help I need I want to assure you that I am. I went to my Dr. this morning and we are doubling my antidepressant medication and will increase it more in a few weeks if I still feel the need. Also, next week I will resume counseling. We had stopped meeting because things were going well there for some time and the visits were not necessary. Brian has read this and is aware of how I am feeling. Though he doesn't understand it all he loves me in spite of it all. I have others who are aware of how I am feeling and are there if I really felt the need to reach out to them. You know who you are. And I thank you for being there!

The following was what I wrote in a notebook the other night when I could not sleep. It still needs a lot of work but these are the original thoughts.

The tear stains on her pillow will be dry by morning
Leaving no evidence there were ever even there.

She whispers out her feelings to God in Heaven
Her heart says her words are just floating in thin air.

What little hope she had found in the past has long disappeared
She tried so hard to hold it together because she wanted to be strong.

Things seemed to be getting a little better and she was ready to say goodbye
But it wasn’t long after things fell apart and she knew she had been wrong.

The meds don’t seem to be helping now – if they even ever were
She feels so sad and overwhelmed yet she also feels nothing.

She knows there is something wrong but doesn’t know what it is
She wants to fix it, evict it or whatever it takes.

She wants to be well for her children
Not for herself or even her husband anymore.

They deserve so much better. They have no choice in all of this.
He does and he could have just walked out the door.

They didn’t choose this life
They are still innocent enough not to realize not everyone lives this way

She knows the pain in her heart when she picks up a few things and her children ask,
“Mommy, who is coming over today?”

She is even scaring herself. She doesn’t feel that love anymore.

She’s known a long time they’d be better off without her
But she couldn’t imagine living without them.

Now – she almost doesn’t care
There is almost no joy

She doesn’t want to be a friend,
a wife
or even a mother.

She just wants it to be all better.

She doesn’t want to be a mother
But she sure would like to have hers back.