Waiting for the other shoe to drop

This was written a couple months ago so some of the feelings have changed. Others have been added or they come and go.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
May 8, 2009

This is how I feel.

(insert some very bad words here)

Lord, I know this isn’t right.

I’ve tried to change a hundred times.

They are going to say I need the meds.

Well the Zoloft wasn’t really working,

And the other med wasn’t worth the health risks – at least to me – and I’m the one supposed to be taking it.

Once again I’m pregnant and this time wise enough to be scared.

When I was pregnant with Tyler my mom found out she had cancer. Even though I was pretty sick the whole pregnancy it would be the only normal preg/labor that my mom would see me have.

6 months after Tyler was born I got pregnant with the twins and we all know that story.

But I feel I was given 2 because God knew I’d lose 1.

Alysa turned 13 months old the day my mom died.

About a month before she died I had told my mom over the phone that I was expecting again. I never had the chance to see her face to face.

Katie was once again a comfort baby as Alysa had been in the loss of Olivia.

So, this is the first (and hopefully last pregnancy) that I wasn’t able to share anything about with Mom.

Is this another comfort child? Is Tyler, Alysa, Katie, or Brian going to die?

My heart tells me this is a warped sense of thinking – my mind on the other hand tends to “have a mind of its own.”

I keep thinking, “God, you could at least make it so I am not so freaking sick so I could at least enjoy it!”

I hate feeling so angry all the time.
Angry at myself for not changing.
Angry at the kids for pushing the limits – and probably sometimes just being kids.