The Ritchie Family

strange comment

2010-01-06T10:29:00.002-05:00

I got this comment on the blog today:

"Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!"

I can't say I am really a fan of anonymous comments. I have mixed feeling about this one. Thinking it might even be SPAM. Unless the author wants to e-mail me and let me know it's real. lol. I'll admit that the more recent post came from my heart more than when I tried to write out my journey with FLYLADY - but anyone who knows me at all would understand that was a huge part of my life and healing at the time.

And also, it seems odd to get such a comment after so long. One should see that I rarely write on the blog anymore. It originally started with the birth of the twins and then continues to allow me to express myself after Olivia died. I continued the process with my mom. But, I think it is time for the blog to come to an end. I may start another one to write out the book I will probably never publish but this one has served it's purpose. I tend to do all my venting on facebook now. :)

Dear Anonymous

2009-07-09T13:56:00.002-04:00

What do I want to change about myself?

Where shall I begin?

And let me say that I know there are solutions to most all the the things that I will list. But knowing them and then having the energy and the will power to do them are 2 different things.

I hate the fact that I am living in chaos and that a lot of it is my doing.

I wish that I was organized and able to keep on top of things.

I don't like that fact that I have this tendency to be a perfectionist. If it all can't be done perfectly, I tend to do nothing.

I lack disciplines in many areas of my life. For instance, if you have been reading the blog in the past you will have seen my frustrations with not being able to accomplish the Flylady challenge. And it wasn't even a challenge that someone was trying to get me to do - it was something I wanted to do.

I lack disciplines in my spiritual life.....and this is one of the biggest factors in most of my troubles right now. I will be the first to admit that. I have put God on a shelf and tried to do things on my own. I have neglected the Bible and praying.

I know that is why I am feeling all this anger. I haven't felt emotions this violent in years. And the one time I can think of in specif that I can remember was a time in the past that I yet again not walking as close to the Lord as I should be.

There are things that I want to change that I can't really share. Not even so much because I don't want to...but I don't even know how....and there are some things that I just don't want to I suppose. At least not yet, to the whole world. If you were to tell me who you were or send a personal e-mail I might be able to share things differently.

I know that most of this is a spiritual battle.

I just keep failing at the same things.

Right now I am just at that point like I have written about before,

about being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter and feeling that I am a failure in all the titles that I wear.

Some of this is an emotional battle. I am struggling to fight depression on my own right now. Understand, I do go to a Dr. for this , I do the counselling thing but the meds I was on wasn't helping so I stopped. Since, I have had many negative side effects to different meds in the past the Dr, does not want to try anything new while I am pregnant. That last thing she wants to do is make it so I feel worse.

But that is something that I would love to change. I would love to be emotionally stable. I would love to be depression free. (At this very moment I would love it if my 20 month old would stop taking her diaper off every few minutes. )

I would love to have a healthy self esteem.

Right now, I need to give myself a major attitude adjustment.

I am mad, I am angry....if those are not the same thing....I am overwhelmed....I am tired....I am pregnant and not the most thrilled with that fact.....the house is a total mess and at this point I JUST DON'T CARE.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2009-07-08T20:05:00.002-04:00

This was written a couple months ago so some of the feelings have changed. Others have been added or they come and go.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
May 8, 2009

This is how I feel.

(insert some very bad words here)

Lord, I know this isn’t right.

I’ve tried to change a hundred times.

They are going to say I need the meds.

Well the Zoloft wasn’t really working,

And the other med wasn’t worth the health risks – at least to me – and I’m the one supposed to be taking it.

Once again I’m pregnant and this time wise enough to be scared.

When I was pregnant with Tyler my mom found out she had cancer. Even though I was pretty sick the whole pregnancy it would be the only normal preg/labor that my mom would see me have.

6 months after Tyler was born I got pregnant with the twins and we all know that story.

But I feel I was given 2 because God knew I’d lose 1.

Alysa turned 13 months old the day my mom died.

About a month before she died I had told my mom over the phone that I was expecting again. I never had the chance to see her face to face.

Katie was once again a comfort baby as Alysa had been in the loss of Olivia.

So, this is the first (and hopefully last pregnancy) that I wasn’t able to share anything about with Mom.

Is this another comfort child? Is Tyler, Alysa, Katie, or Brian going to die?

My heart tells me this is a warped sense of thinking – my mind on the other hand tends to “have a mind of its own.”

I keep thinking, “God, you could at least make it so I am not so freaking sick so I could at least enjoy it!”

I hate feeling so angry all the time.
Angry at myself for not changing.
Angry at the kids for pushing the limits – and probably sometimes just being kids.

shocking, I know

2009-07-03T22:57:00.002-04:00

I thought that I would totally shock the few of you who still check here perioddically to see if I have updated the blog. I was going to copy of few entries that I had written in a notebook to catch you all up (for those of you who don't have facebook) But, alas, the kids have carried the notebook off somewhere to color in.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. If I do find it in the next couple days I will copy the entries.

Otherwise, this will be a boring post as it is late and I am too tired to putting any effort into writing something original.

Just a PS for those of you who still might not have heard
We are having another child in December.

Alysa's 3!

2009-04-07T18:45:00.004-04:00

Friday was mostly a happy day. Alysa was very excited it was her birthday. It was pretty much all she talked about all day. Brian's parents, brother and grandparents came down after supper to share some cake and ice cream and watch her open presents.

Brian and I did have our thoughts drift to Olivia throughout the day of course. I found this clipping and wanted to share it with you. It is something I could have written but did not. I am not sure who did. I was something my mom cut out of the paper.

"When our children we love are taken, and the years pass slowly by, you feel the grieving is over, but the ache is still inside.

This life of ours must continue and the tears we must learn to hide, but you know it will never leave you, this ache we feel inside.

Their siblings go on with their future and you know this is how it should be, You share in their joys and sorrows, but that ache won't let you free.

Where they rest you visit less often, and their voices are not as clear, and our zest for life is returning, but the ache is always near.

Our friends and family tell us how well we handled our grief. If they only knew deep within us, from this ache there is no relief.

When alone, we talk to them often, for we know they are still by our side, and the warmth of our memories comforts, but the ache is still inside."

I love you Princess Alysa and Baby Girl Olivia!

just fun stuff

2009-02-21T21:55:00.003-05:00

THIS

RESULTED IN

THIS. I am blessed to have 3 children who love the water and love taking baths!

THIS was my awesome deal from CVS. I spent a total of $2.53 and got a $5.00 credit towards my next purchase! The Aveeno baby wash would have cost me more than $2.50 alone at Wally World! Normally I am not a name brand person but the girls have eczema and this is what their pediatrician recommends. I also have to use a special lotion (Aquaphor Healing Ointment) with them but I found that CVS had there own brand of it so I am going to try that.
Also Target was their Valentine stuff for 90% off. The kids had a grand time picking up some goodies!! For Target my receipt says I saved $98.85!!!

2009-02-20T13:26:00.002-05:00

I am sharing the following with you all because that I what I do. I'm tired of living the double life as it is so instead I am going to share it all in the hopes that it might be helpful to others out there who are on the same path. Before you get worried and start e-mailing about getting the help I need I want to assure you that I am. I went to my Dr. this morning and we are doubling my antidepressant medication and will increase it more in a few weeks if I still feel the need. Also, next week I will resume counseling. We had stopped meeting because things were going well there for some time and the visits were not necessary. Brian has read this and is aware of how I am feeling. Though he doesn't understand it all he loves me in spite of it all. I have others who are aware of how I am feeling and are there if I really felt the need to reach out to them. You know who you are. And I thank you for being there!

The following was what I wrote in a notebook the other night when I could not sleep. It still needs a lot of work but these are the original thoughts.

The tear stains on her pillow will be dry by morning
Leaving no evidence there were ever even there.

She whispers out her feelings to God in Heaven
Her heart says her words are just floating in thin air.

What little hope she had found in the past has long disappeared
She tried so hard to hold it together because she wanted to be strong.

Things seemed to be getting a little better and she was ready to say goodbye
But it wasn’t long after things fell apart and she knew she had been wrong.

The meds don’t seem to be helping now – if they even ever were
She feels so sad and overwhelmed yet she also feels nothing.

She knows there is something wrong but doesn’t know what it is
She wants to fix it, evict it or whatever it takes.

She wants to be well for her children
Not for herself or even her husband anymore.

They deserve so much better. They have no choice in all of this.
He does and he could have just walked out the door.

They didn’t choose this life
They are still innocent enough not to realize not everyone lives this way

She knows the pain in her heart when she picks up a few things and her children ask,
“Mommy, who is coming over today?”

She is even scaring herself. She doesn’t feel that love anymore.

She’s known a long time they’d be better off without her
But she couldn’t imagine living without them.

Now – she almost doesn’t care
There is almost no joy

She doesn’t want to be a friend,
a wife
or even a mother.

She just wants it to be all better.

She doesn’t want to be a mother
But she sure would like to have hers back.

Day 7

2009-02-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

Ok I am back in the game. Though we are not feeling 100% better I am at least able to function a whole lot more. I don’t remember being THAT tired since the 2 weeks that we had Olivia home. As far as Flylady, I am going to pick up right where I left off. This is hard to do. My perfectionism tells me I MUST start over to do this right. Part of the process for me is to let go of that ugly P word,

Today we are going to add something to our before bed routine. It’s simple - yet it can be very hard. All we are asked to do is to pick out our clothes the night before. This is supposed to help prevent us from being rushed in mornings or trying on 4 outfits and deciding that nothing looks right on us.

In my Control Journal I have been working on my weekly schedule. It’s pretty basic right now

Monday - Zone Mission
- Riley Mission (this is for kids – explanation to come or search for it on FLylady’s page)
-Weekly home Blessing (again, I haven’t talked about this yet. I am just getting things in writing because I know they are coming)

Tuesday- Zone Mission
Riley Mission

Wednesday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Detour night 6-8pm

Thursday- Zone Mission
-Riley Mission
-Every other week is MOPS from 9-12 noon

Friday- Zone Mission
- Riley Mission
-Date Night (doesn’t mean you even have to “go out” for a date. We sure don’t get out once a week. Or once a month for that matter! It could be as simple as watching a movie together on the couch. I personally hope we can incorporate some more “out of the house dates” when the weather gets a little warmer so if anyone wants to volunteer some free babysitting J you know how to reach me!)

Saturday- Family Fun Day (My ultimate goal would be to not have to clean at all on weekends. Just the bare necessities to keep things going and get back in the game on Monday’s with the Weekly Home Blessing)

Sunday- Renew Your Spirit Day
-Church
-nap (If I am lucky!)
-Church

In time we will add things by picking days to clean out the fridge, clean our purses and diaper bags, menu making days, shopping days, etc.

too tired

2009-02-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

sorry that I have not updated in the last couple days.
You have 1 sick mommy trying to take care of 3 sick kiddos and that equals 1 mommy who is so tired she can hardly function.
The last few nights I've gotten very little sleep and it's all caught up with me. Daddy isn't feel so great either.
I will be back when I have a little more energy

Day 6 200th post WOW

2009-02-13T15:37:00.004-05:00

Day 6 Hot Spots
Thanks to a helping hand from my mother in law my kitchen will be completed by the time I go to bed. Brian’s dad came to see if he could figure out what is wrong with our washing machine. It won’t spin. (It’s not a broken belt because our machine doesn’t have one) He had the whole thing torn apart so I just had a washer "shell" sitting in my kitchen. Alysa thought it would be a fun place to hide by going in through the back and popping her head up.

Anyway, while he was working on that Brian’s mom was doing my dishes. I was supposed to be helping her but I was mostly trying to keep track of Katie.

Today Flylady’s babystep is introducing hot spots.
“What is a Hot Spot?
A Hot Spot is an area, when left unattended will gradually take over. My favorite analogy is of a hot spot in a forest fire, if left alone it will eventually get out of hand and burn up the whole forest. This is what happens in our homes. If left unattended, the hot spot will grow and take over the whole room as well as making the house look awful. When you walk into a room, the hot spot is the first thing you see. Your eyes are locked on it. Over the years my hot spot has migrated. As a child it was a chair in my bedroom. I would pile it to the ceiling. Right now I have two hot spots in my home: the dining room table and the bed in the extra bedroom. The dining room table is a staging area. We put the unopened mail there, as well as any thing that needs to go to the basement. Some times you cannot see the top of the table. This is the first thing I see when I walk into the kitchen. Granted, the pile has only been there since last night, but if I don't deal with it first thing in the morning, it will collect many more items by evening. CLUTTER ATTRACTS CLUTTER. The Bed in the extra bed room is just the same. I use it as a place to put things that don't have a home. Do you have areas like this that continue to grow if left alone? Does the rest of the family see this as a place to put things when they do not want to put them where they belong? It is our job to NIP this in the bud. Get rid of that pile, find the surface underneath, and stop the Hot Spot from becoming a raging Clutter inferno! – FlyLady”

The mission for today was to set our timer for 2 minutes and tackle a hot spot. As you will learn, Flylady is also really big on timers.

Sometimes I feel like my whole house is a hot spot. But if I had to pinpoint a couple I would say the kitchen table and my desk.

Today’s accomplishments also included cleaning out our Beta bowl. We have a blue beta and Tyler named it “Water”

Jean - if you would be willing to send me an e-mail I would love to respond personally to your comment. b_and_a_ritchie@hotmail.com

Thanks!

2009-02-12T19:40:00.003-05:00

Day 5

This is where the honesty comes in. This is what I woke up to. It’s 7 pm and I really haven’t done anything about it! I just got Tyler and Alysa to bed. I do not feel like doing anything but going to bed myself. Too bad Katelyn doesn’t agree. She took a really late afternoon nap so she is just full of energy.

The girls have finally shared their sick germs with Tyler and me. That is part of the reason I don’t feel like doing anything. Even though today was not successful I am going to keep going. In the past I would just stopped the program for time and then start over. No more starting over.

Today I was encouraged to “WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU HEAR.” Any time something negative came into my head I was supposed to turn it around to something positive. There are plenty of negative thoughts that creep into my head, especially on days like to day.

“What am I thinking? I can’t do this.“
“It’s too hard.” Instead, “I can do anything for 15 minutes at a time”
“I’m too tired.” Instead, “If I get the things done now that I need to then I can go to bed when the children do and not feel guilty.”
“The kids just keep messing it up.” Instead, “I am thankful for 3 healthy children who love to explore.”
“I’m so far behind.” Flylady says, “You are not behind. Just jump in where you are” She reminds me that things “did not get this bad overnight – so things will not get all better over night.” It’s a process. I know what I need to do. My whole kitchen looks like a bomb went off. I just need to go start plugging away at it. One of the things that I would like to do to help me get things done is to stop watching TV. That is the reason I woke up to a mess. I watched to shows with Brian last night instead of picking up the supper dishes. Wednesdays are hard because we have to leave for church as soon as we finish eating and its past the kids bedtime by the time we get home. After the kids are settled in usually the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. (Well, except maybe eat ice cream)
Sitting here typing isn’t getting anything done. So, off I go.

Day 4 Going slow but going!

2009-02-11T09:23:00.001-05:00

This picture has nothing to do with decluttering unless you consider that we "got rid of" some of Alysa's hair!! I was tired of dealing with the winter frizz and she was getting a mullett type look as it was getting very long in the back but not so much on the sides. Thanks to her hacking job a few months ago! She's a cutie!!

Day 4

So far we are:
- Getting dress to our shoes
- Keeping our sink shiny
- Reading 2 minutes of Reminders from FLylady’s e-mails.

I can see that the getting dressed first thing in the morning is what is going to give me trouble this time around. I am doing pretty well with the sink.
Today I am encouraged to write these things down on sticky notes and post them on the bathroom mirror and above the kitchen sink. This is supposed to help me remember the habits I am trying to establish. Something else that Flylady has me working on is a control journal. (you can find details about this on the web page (http://www.flylady.net/) This is where I will keep track of all my routines and schedules. Since I have already started mine I am not going to do the sticky notes.
I really hope to have a super looking kitchen by the end of the week. Right now it is in chaos. I have had to move everything so that Brian could have some room to work on the washing machine. It quit spinning. It has been out of commission about a week. When we do get it fixed I will be working on Mt. Washmore for 3 days straight I can imagine.

These are pretty basic right now but this is what I have for pages in my journal so far.

Morning Routine
1. Get out of bed and hit the ground Flying
2. Make the bed (I haven’t started to add this one yet. It will come later)
3. Get dressed to shoes: shower, hair and BeautiControl
4. Swish and swipe (I will explain this later also)
5. Check Calendar for appointments
6. Put dishes away

Afternoon Routine
1. Get dinner started; fill sink with hot soapy water, clean as I go
2. Sit down and drink some water for 5 minutes
3. Set table
4. Refresh for Brian
5. Check hot spots (explanation to come later)

My Before Bed Routine
1. Shine sink
2. Put out hot spots
3. Check calendar
4. Lay out clothes for tomorrow
5. Beauticontrol and brush teeth
Go to bed at a decent hour!

Now, this is how it looks in black and white. This is not to say this is where I am at today. It is where I HOPE to be by the end of these 30 days of Baby Steps.

Oh, I just love Flylady. There is so much to share but I can’t do it all now. Lol There is weekly routines and missions and menus. But, it’s off to take care of the breakfast dishes. I made the kids their dad’s famous cheese eggs. (Scrambled eggs sprinkled with mozzarella cheese)

Kristen, I hope this is helpful to you and that you enjoy the journey with me!

2009-02-10T09:55:00.001-05:00

These are the feeling that I am trying to overcome.

Friday, February 06, 2009

rough draft

I’ve hit bottom once again. It’s become a familiar place to me.
I’m only existing and the light at the end of the tunnel I no longer see.

I’m so tired and overwhelmed by all the chaos.
My whole house could burn down and I'm not sure it'd be such a loss.

If I make any progress at all it doesn’t last.
I’m paralyzed by my perfectionism and my past.

Files, lists, menus, budgets, all look good in my head.
But I’m not even disciplined enough each day to make my bed.

At night when I want to sleep- my mind does not.
When I must wake – little sleep the night has brought.

You’d have a hard time convincing me that I’m a good mom today.
I’m just getting father and farther behind each day.

The kids are just acting like kids but patience I sometimes is lack
Sometimes I wish I’d bought them, so I could take them back.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them with all of my heart.
I’m just so empty and I don’t know where to start.

Uh oh!

2009-02-10T09:21:00.004-05:00

This is what I woke up to this morning! I was doing dishes last night when Katie decided to have a meltdown. I took care of here and after she fell asleep I started on a project in the bedroom. I forgot about my dishes until after I had gone to bed. I did actually get out of bed to go do them but decided against it. I could hear Katie whimpering a little in her sleep. Since she is still not feeling good I didn't want to risk waking her. So, I am not going to be hard on myself. I finished them up quickly this morning while the kids ate their breakfast. Also, you can see some dishes on the side of the sink. Usually I let our supper dishes air dry over night and put them away in the morning. It's all going to be part of my "new routine" that I will share in the future.

Other than that, I am dressed and will work a little more today on the decluttering. Someone is coming today to pick up a box full of stuff that I am getting rid of. That will be a help. It's a nice feeling to actually get it OUT of the house instead of just in piles waiting to go!

For example...Am I really going to use 4 extra ice cube trays? My intentions....back when Tyler was born were to make my own baby food. 3 babies later and I never have used the trays for that purpose. Time to go. The dish drainer. It's from my mom's house. I already have my own. it doesn't even match my kitchen colors. Time to go. Time to let go. It's a dish drainer. It has not sentimental value. It's still not easy though but we're getting there.

Day 3

2009-02-09T18:25:00.003-05:00

Wow. 8:45 am. What is so special about that time you ask? That is when my girls decided to roll out of bed. And what is so special about that? Well, first they NEVER sleep that long. Second, I was in bed with them!!
Tyler was a super good boy this morning and played quietly in his room. Though after I got up I found out why he was being so quiet. He had stinky diaper on. He knows better. Aside from sleeping in diapers Tyler and Alysa are both in undies during the day and doing very well. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to transition them out of diapers at night with the fewest wet beds as possible? I understand to limit drinks after supper. I am at a loss after that!

Ok. I did get up and dressed to my shoes. I would hade to anyway as the kids are going to the dentist today. (update: all went well. No cavities) I hope Alysa will feel well enough. I went the extra mile though. I am wearing a spritz of City Garden perfume and a dash of eyeliner. I also woke up to a shiny sink. I am not sure where Brian put his breakfast dishes. lol

Tyler thinks I am an awesome mom this morning because I gave them chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk for breakfast. He says, “We’re having everything chocolate!” Isn’t that the kind of breakfast you should have right before you go to the dentist J I have learned how nice it is when I do make a batch of pancakes to make some extra and put them in the freezer. Then all I have to do is pop them in the toaster for a couple minutes. That was all I had to do this morning.

The thought hit me to about getting up and dressed to the shoes. It’s not fair. I have to get 4 of us dressed! I’m just joking. And if I were being serious Flylady wouldn’t like it. One of her rules is – No Whining Allowed! What she would want us to do is to turn our negative thoughts around. So, I would say I was thankful to have three beautiful children to dress! That I am! And I wasn’t too good at getting them dressed first thing but it is now 11am and all are dressed and breakfast dishes are done along with some others that were floating around the kitchen. Just because I have a shiny sink doesn’t mean that ALL my dishes are done. That is another Flylady trick. She knows that for some of us if we had to do all the dishes in the sink before we shined it would never get done. She doesn’t care if we take the dishes out and set on the floor as long as we shine the sink first. Trust me, it makes sense.
I also took the liberty of cleaning the bathroom sink and surrounding area last night while Tyler was taking a bath.

Day 3 Do what you have already done.
- Getting up and dressed to the shoes
- Keeping your sink shiny
- Reading your reminders for 2 minutes

The other thing that I have liked about the Flylady program is how she breaks things up into Zones. I will get into this morelater but for now all I will say is that we work in a new Zone each week. This week is the KITCHEN. I am really excited about this because I just recently organized all the cupboards and stuff. I have just let the little things go…the dishes for example. The kitchen table has become a great big hot spot. So, by Friday I hope to have regained control over my Kitchen. (once and for all!! ) We also try to work on a new habit each month. This month is DECLUTTERING. Hooray!! I SO NEED THIS. “You can’t organize clutter!”

Day 2

2009-02-08T20:08:00.002-05:00

Well, I shined my sink! Did you? (see day 1)

Day 2 is Get dressed to lace up shoes.

You will find this is another big thing with Flylady. She wants you up and dressed all the way to your shoes each morning. This means she wants us to comb our hair and put on our pretty face for those of us who wear make up. I don't really happen to be one of those people. So she tells us to at least put a little moisturizer on our face.

She wants us to be ready for whatever the day has in store for us. This means being able to open the door to an unexpected knock and not be embarrassed that we are still in our PJ's, at 4o'clock in the afternoon!!

Each day I will be building up on what I have been working on in the previous days. So before I go to bead to tomorrow night I will make sure my sink is shining. This, in theory, is supposed to be simple as I will have been washing the dishes after every mean and keeping it clean throughout the day. Time will tell.

The roosters above my sink were a Dollar Store find. I was super excited!

Never before seen pics

2009-02-07T23:04:00.005-05:00

at least most of them are. My heart has healed enough to share some of these with you. And some are just for fun. Olivia

Olivia and her anteater Beanie Baby. I have it to give to Alysa someday.

my mom and Alysa

Precious Olivia

Mommy and Olivia

Pete (my dad) and Alysa

Mom with the kids

a good black mail picture!!!! (yup, this IS Tyler)

Alysa's preemie days

Day 1 Shine Your Sink

2009-02-07T23:03:00.001-05:00

The ultimate goal of FLYing is Finally Loving Yourself. Since I am not to that point yet I want to FLY for the sake of my children and husband. I love them with all of my being.

Flying will help me eliminate the chaos in my life. CHAOS – Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome.
Yup – that’s how I feel – well not without crisis cleaning before each visit.

I just want this pattern to stop.

This is how I felt BEFORE Tyler was born. It’s been a constant battle. I want to finally end this war with a victory.

Thankfully, with God, each day is a new beginning. But, I am so tired of starting over. I’ve started over 1,000 times.

So, I’m going to start with the 30 day Baby step Challenge with Flylady. Not that it’ll be that interesting to you but I’m going to track/journal my progress here for my own benefit.

For those of you who may want more info. Check out www.flylady.net

DAY 1 GO SHINE YOUR SINK
This is a really big with Flylady. She wants us to wake up each morning to a shiny sink.

She gives instruction on her webpage on how to give your sink a thorough cleaning and make it shine. You do this major cleaning once with the goal of keeping it shining everyday.

So, this is what I will be doing tomorrow. I will not be going to church because Katelyn is still not feeling well at all.(She is being treated for strep throat/tonsilitis and has had a fever up to 104.) Also, Alysa is starting not to feel well. As long as Tyler still seems to be healthy in the morning he can go with Dad. The kids are awfully disappointed when the have to miss Sunday school. They really enjoy it. For that, I am so thankful. My hearts desire is to see our children come to the Lord at a very young age.

This also means for at least the next 30 days I hope to write something on the blog everyday. I hope this will form a habit to keep me writing. Even though I may not continue to write on the blog everyday after that I would like to start taking some time to start typing out my book. I have thought about adding a link to another blog just for my writings. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to share them to the world. Is this of any interest to any of you? I’m sure a lot of it might not make sense as I tended to write about things that were going on in my life at the time.
Anyway, it’s just something I am thinking about. I know I have mentioned it before but then I never did it.

hmmmmm

2009-02-03T10:21:00.003-05:00

At this time the author would like to remain anonymous but I just wanted to share this poem with you and see what your thoughts were. If you could pass along a message of hope to the person who wrote this - what would it be? Have you eve felt like YOU cold have written these words? I will share my thoughts in the near future.

They huddle in small groups
Trying to find the answer why.
“She had such a great family”
“Why did she have to die?”

They only saw the door from the outside.
If it was ever opened at all
It would appear that all was fine.
But, it was just hidden behind a wall.

A Friend, and a Lover, a Daughter and Mother
She felt she was a failure in each title that she wore.
She tried to live a happy life.
But, it was a fake smile that she wore.

She felt tormented by the chaos.
Her secrets had been hidden way too long.
They will try to find the reason
Chances are, they will be wrong.

The chaos wasn’t fair to them
She hoped they’d get a better life.
He would be devastated for some time.
But he could get another wife.

There was no magic pill to give her a better life.
But many that could take her screwed up one away.
She had a choice – to live or die.
She couldn’t leave her children to wonder why she couldn’t stay.

So, she’ll stay and wear her Sunday smile
They’ll see her in church and pushing her grocery cart
And say, “Hi, how are you.” To which she will say “fine.”
But they will never know - she has a suicidal heart.

Sleep or not to sleep? That is the question.

2009-01-31T13:16:00.003-05:00

Last night Katie slept through the night for the first time in what seems like forever! Tyler decided that it was his job to wake BOTH girls up about 6 o'clock this morning!! Mommy was not a happy camper. Once Katie is awake there is no getting her back to sleep, at least for a couple hours.

My kids really need to be taught the art of "sleeping in" - especially on weekends!

January 2009

2009-01-29T19:24:00.008-05:00

Mommy's littlest helper.

all ready for Sunday school.

Tyler at age 4

Happy Birthday

It’s 7pm. Pj’s have been put on. Teeth have been brushed. 4 books have been read. The kiddos are in their own rooms looking at books for awhile until lights out. Except for Katie. She is going back and forth between the rooms doing whatever she wants. We have to keep an eye on that one. She is really into climbing and getting into all sorts of things. Brian found her the other day sitting…in the toilet. She also wants to be my little helper by picking up things and putting them in the trash. Clothes, TV remotes, toys, new diapers, dishes, a whole box of SOS pads. Oh, and she put her toothbrush in the fish bowl once. That leads to others stories…..but that will be for later.

Katie also likes to try to help with the dishes still. That of course means mopping the floor after. She also fights me every time I try to vacuum. She has to do it. She also likes to be an independent eater. This is fine if the menu choice is a cracker or something but no, I can’t feed her anything. This can get rather messy when it comes to yogurt and applesauce. Sometimes she ends up with more than one bath a day. She really does well for her age using a fork and spoon but she still tends to wear a lot of it. She's also been pretty generous with her hugs and kisses lately. That does wonders to a mom's weary soul!

Alysa has quite the personality. The things she comes of with sometimes just cracks me up. She has picked up shrugging her shoulders somewhere when she answers, “I don’t know.” Her favorite things to do are to blow bubbles and watch Little People. She is a Mommy's girl.

Tyler turned 4 the week after Christmas. He is pretty proud of becoming my big boy. He has also handled the transition of having to wear glasses all the time now quite well. When the pediatrician’s office said I should have them checked out because he seemed to squint during a checkup they were doing I really thought nothing of it. I was a little shocked to hear that he would need glasses.

He is learning to spell now. He can spell TYLER, ALYSA, AMY, NANA and ZOO. He can name and recognize all the letters on the keyboard. He can count to 13. He is also learning verses for Sunday school. I am so proud of him. His sisters are just as smart.

I have of course have broken all my New Years Resolutions. I still try to plug away getting more organized and now for the first time in mt life - lose some weight. Today was a day of letting go. I donated all of Tyler's baby clothes to our church for a ministry there. There were 2 large and 1 huge bin full to the brim with clothes from 0-9 months of age. The only thing that I kept was the outfit that he came home from the hospital in. It was a little hard to let go but I really don't have the place to store them and who knows if I will ever need them again. They are at least somewhere they will be used when needed.

I had already let go of the girls clothes. I held onto a few a the twins outfits and some special things for Alysa. I will let her decide what she wants to do with them when she is old enough to understand. I also kept one thing I really liked on Katie. These are big steps for me. I was also able to finally let go of all my mom's clothes that had been in storage. I hope they are a blessing to the people they were given to. (There is still more that that I am unable to get to but am ready when I can get it)

It still doesn't seem real. Brian is taking our VHS tapes and recording them on to DVD's for me. We did our wedding video last night. I didn't watch much of it but still happened to catch the part of my mom being walked down the isle. I can't really describe how that made me feel. You want to handle it fine as you know in your head that it's been almost 2 years but it makes it feel like yesterday. Now that I think about it that may have been what triggered me to have lots dreams about both my mom and dad last night. Unfortunately they were not all really pleasant dreams. I hate it that your mind can do things like that.

Well, Katie has now been banned to the Pack n Play. While I was typing the above thought I could hear here push open the bathroom door. Due to the cold the house has shifted and the door will no longer stayed closed. Anyway, I finished the sentence I was on and went to check on her. She was in there less than a minute. I found her trying to brush her teeth....with Tyler's toothbrush and climbing once again into the toilet. So I must go now and get this kiddo washed up and into dry Pjs

I had to come back to fix a few typos so I thought I would add couple things about Brian. He is still working full time in Portland, still working with the DETOUR youth group at our church and still a great dad. During his free time he really likes to read. But, he is usually so tired that reading leads to sleeping. He's happy to have a new season of the TV show "24" on and likes the show Knight Rider. We were just talking a few nights ago remembering when we were first married we did not have a TV at all for the first couple of years. (by choice) We don't have cable or anything like that now just the basic channels we can get with an antenna. There is enough on to entertain us in the evenings when we are too lazy to do anything else but also enough on there to show us just how much trash there is on TV. That is also for another time.

My life is about to take a new turn. Katie is easily climbing out of her Pack-n-Play and crib. I knew she could climb out of the pen but she would usually stay in there, even up until last night. Not today. So, this means no more showers for Mommy during the day. I used to be able to put her in her pen for a few minutes and grab a quick shower while Tyler and Alysa watched a movie. Guess those days are over. It also means that we are going to have to look at getting Alysa's regular twin bed out of storage and letting Katie have her bed (which has built in rails)

Katie is to YOUNG to be getting to be such a BIG GIRL!!!!!!!

Update to follow!

2009-01-29T12:03:00.004-05:00

tonight while Brian is at a meeting (and after the kids go to bed) I AM GOING TO UPDATE THIS!!

first open house

2008-12-08T23:00:00.003-05:00

I had my first BeautiControl Open House the other day. It gave me a good excuse to decorate for Christmas. This is the first year I have decorated in a long time. It's very hard as it was my mom's favorite time of year but I want to really try to enjoy it this year for the sake of my children. For those of you who couldn't make it I thought I would share a couple pictures from the Open House.

finally updating this

2008-12-08T19:39:00.004-05:00

grrr the pictures posted backwards....

ok. this is for you Liz.

Where have I been. Right here, thinking.....I really need to update the blog. It started out innocent enough. I wanted to update on Katie's 1st birthday.

The day before her birthday Katie got sick so it wasn't really her best day on the 8th. That night Tyler and Alysa woke up at midnight minutes apart....throwing up. This went on about every 30 minutes for 4 hours.....both of them.....hence ,the pictures of them sleeping on the floor with plastic bowls beside them. Thankfully Katie slept through this....it took a few days to recoup and it just became easier and easier to put off updating the blog.

anyway....Katie is now my big girl! She is quite the little jabber box. She says, "hi", "mamma."

"dadda" "duck" among other things. She is my monkey climber with NO FEAR!

This post is far from done but Brian and I have a show coming on that we like to watch together. I just wanted to at least get things started.

2008-11-05T09:53:00.003-05:00

Since Christmas is coming I wanted to remind you of the opportunity to check out the fabulous Beauti Control products.

http://www.beautipage.com/amyritchie

The Snowflakes Collection smells absolutely yummy.
Hey you can join up for only $99 this month. Check it out and feel free to e-mail me with any questions.

I will share more about this later. Right now Katies needs a baths.

Pepsi or Coke

2008-11-03T12:11:00.002-05:00

A year and a half today. I commemorated it with Cheeze Its and Pepsi. I think your preference would have been a Coke. I couldn’t quite remember. That made me cry. A simple phone call that I could not make. I solaced myself with the thought that I could of had Dr. Thunder and ended the debate altogether.

I was supposed to have a dentist appointment today. For other reasons I ended up having to reschedule it a few days ago. Now I am glad. A month ago I would have anticipated this being just another day. That is usually how these anniversary dates go. It’s usually the days leading up to them that are hard. Not this time. Today is hard. I have that “It’s hard to breathe feeling.” I think it’s the “I am trying not to cry in from of the kids” feeling.

On a very different note….

You know you need to dust off the ceiling fan a little more often when you do and they kids say, “It’s snowing!”

Speaking of snow, we saw it last Wednesday. It was just a sprinkle but it was snow!! So, winter is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas is coming. I am going to try really hard to enjoy it this year. Make it really special for the kids. Oh yeah, and birthdays are coming. Saturday will be Katie’s big day!! There will be pictures!!

Last year at this time when Katie was born we had just past the 6 months mark. I remember I started crying on the operation table just minutes after she was born because it became so real that mom was not there. And she wasn’t going to be walking through the door to meet Katie at all….ever…..

Oh God, why. WHY WHY WHY………

(initial thoughts...more to come)

2008-10-23T19:36:00.002-04:00

I know I recently posted this one of Alysa but when I found Tyler like this one night I had to laugh.

This would have been a better "before haircut" picture

This is the result of about 3 hours of fresh air and sunshine.

note to self

2008-10-22T16:12:00.002-04:00

do not iron Tyler's Cubbies patch onto his vest....on the rug

and I just thought this was funny

lots of pictures

2008-10-22T10:42:00.005-04:00

yeah, so the day before we are supposed to take their annual pumpkin pictures, Alysa decided to give herself a haircut. This isn't the best picture to show it but she went from this to

this. And by the time mom "Fixed" it she has lost all her curls. I hope they come back.
the following pics are from while ago
My dad came to visit (this is my biological father) Katelyn wasn't shy

Brian made these

God's Will for Our Life

2008-10-20T14:56:00.003-04:00

"Our Decision

We today declare that Christ is the Lord and Master of our life.
We therefore will seek to discover God's plan for our life. By His power we will be obedient to that plan, starting now.

WHATEVER * WHENEVER * WHEREVER"

signed,

Brian and Amy Ritchie

I know that correct grammar would be our "lives." But, as husband and wife our lives are now "life" in a sense.

We have already made this commitment to the Lord but renewed it last night at our church's Mission Conference. I know this is a personal thing but it is a public thing too. We would love you to be praying with and for us as we continue to seek where the Lord would be leading us.

no such thing as monsters

2008-10-04T16:02:00.002-04:00

How do you convince an almost 4 year old boy that there are no such things as monsters? Any suggestions would be appreciated! Tyler is becoming quite obsessed with this.

My Princess

2008-10-03T20:14:00.007-04:00

Alysa is 2 ½ today. My little princess. She’s learned so much from Tyler that some might not guess there is 15 months between them. I think she is super smart and super beautiful. She is also a mommy’s girl. She doesn’t want dad to help her with anything. It’s almost always, “I want my mommy to do it.” Though today when I scolded her for biting Tyler I did get a “I want my Daddy.” Sometimes when she is upset with me it’s, “I want Katie”

I am not one of those moms who thinks my kids are perfect. Alysa likes to bite and can have an attitude problem. She puts on this pouty face and I should be upset because of her disobedience but sometimes I have to just look away because it makes me want to laugh.

Bedtimes used to be pretty easy. She would just go to bed easy or go to her room and play until she fell asleep. Now she uses all the stops.

“I’m hungry.” “You just had supper not too long ago.” When that doesn’t work –
“I’m thirsty” “Alysa, you just had a glass of water when you brushed your teeth”…. That doesn’t work.
“I want you to sleep with me Mommy.” That doesn’t work either.
It’s so hard to resist a cute little voice. I promise her that if she goes to her room and lies on her bed and doesn’t keep yelling for me I will come in a lay with her for a couple minutes. I know there will come the day that she will not want me in her room - much less snuggling with her bed. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Katelyn and Tyler have birthdays before the end of the year and I will use their days to shed a little light on them. Today is Alysa’s day.

I love you Princess.

you've come a long way baby girl
pillowcase from Nana Ritchie

Great State of Maine Air Show 2008

2008-09-27T21:07:00.011-04:00

Alysa got a little bored at times and entertained herself by trying to pull the tar out of the cracks. We bought them earmuffs that you wear while shooting guns. It was pretty loud there

Brian was very happy that we were actually able to make it onto the base for the airshow this year. They were supposed to close the gates at 1pm. By the time we got out of church and took Katelyn to her grandparents we were not going to make it. But, when we got there a little after 1 they were still letting people on. Since this was the last year for the Blue Angels to be coming to Maine we were really hoping to take the kids. Brian had spent most of the day Saturday at the airshow but because of the weather they were unable to fly.

I had the small camera and took pictures of the kids. Brian had his nice camera and got some good shots of the planes and such. I will try to get some of those are here another time.

Alysa is almost 2 and a half. The last couple weeks she has turned into a mommy's girl like never before. She is in the "I don't like Daddy stage" and doesn't want him to help her do anything. Poor Dad. Though I can get this treatment during the day when he is not home. If I have to discipline Alysa she will cry and say, "I want Katie."

Tyler and Alysa are in the midst of potty training. I don't think that it is going very well. My floor has been christened multiple times.....a day. Tyler will be 4 in December and I kept waiting for him to kind of initiate wanting to potty train himself. It didn't seem like that was going to happen so I just said one day, "ok. no more diapers. It's big girl and boy undies for you. We will see what happens." (They still wear diapers when sleeping) Well, it's an experience....that is for sure. I am certain it is much easier when you are only try to work with one child at a time but I know that parents withs twins or more go through this. (And, I would be if Olivia was here)

On that note.. I had a very strange experience a few nights ago. Alysa was having a bad night and was up multiple times. One of the times she had come out of her room and was lying on the couch. She was just so tired that she wasn't really responding to me. Her eyes were half open but kinda rolling around. I can't really explain it but for a moment I did not see Alysa at all. I saw Olivia. The girls, even though identical twins never really looked the same because of weight differences and Olivia's condition. Had all gone well, they would have looked identical. It's strange to think about two girls running around here looking like Alysa does now. It's not often but there are those moments that I see Olivia in Alysa's face. It's a very strange feeling and very sad.

I am still missing mom more that I can express. I am so overwhelmed as to what to do about her house. Though I had dropped the price $100,000! there is still no interest. The estate money is gone and I just don't don't know what to do.......more to come.....Katelyn needs to go to bed......

not what was promised

2008-09-25T22:53:00.000-04:00

Ok. Things are not going as planned tonight. I promised you all that I would write something. Well, I’ve written something ha ha I wanted to talk about a group that I have started going to called MOPS. I can’t find the paper about it that I am looking for so I am going to wait until I find it.

Out internet connection is slow tonight so pictures will also have to wait.

I had planned on writing tonight but I am going to be finishing up some house work instead. My dad called this afternoon and he will be stopping in tomorrow for a visit. I believe this will be the fist time he has seen Katelyn. So, as you can see we don’t see each other that often. As I stated, I’ve been doing well with the house the last few weeks but we had a busy couple days and things are starting to get a little crazy. I’d like to get it back under control and make a good impression.

So, I now will probably post sometime on Saturday. Tomorrow evening I will be at a Creative Memories Scrapbooking get together……

37 hits

2008-09-24T11:08:00.003-04:00

You guys checked this blog 37 times on Monday. I guess that is sign you all are waiting for me to write something. I don't know why I haven't written. Things are going pretty well here. Emotionally I am in a good place and physically I am doing well at keeping up with the housework. Brian and I are very tired as I could not tell you the last night we got a full nights sleep. At this point all three kids are waking up multiple times in the night. Tyler is scared of shadows and monsters. Also, he will get out of bed every time the furnace comes on in the night and go sit on the hot air vent. I don't know why but he likes to do that. Alysa insists on having her light on all night and wakes up screaming if she wakes up in a dark room. Katelyn just wants to sleep in our warm bed and has been teething.

I've had many things that I have wanted to write about and then I get busy or put it off and the next day it doesn't seem as important.

Tonight is a busy night for us with Detour and Tyler is in Cubbies now. But, I am will make a promise to you all that I will write at some point tomorrow. I will make it nice and long with lots of pictures.

Tonight I cried

2008-08-31T22:22:00.004-04:00

Today something really neat happened that really showed me that God is faithful even when I am not. He provided something that I have been wanting that I had not even asked for because it was not available anymore. I’ll explain another day but that was not what I was going to say when I started this post.

I wanted to write out how I was feeling this evening. After being on a kind of an emotional high today I was surprised to feel so sad tonight. I have been missing mom so much lately. The “it hurts so much it’s hard to breathe” kind of miss. But, I haven’t really cried real tears for awhile. Tonight, I cried. As I was sitting on the floor with Katie (as we call her most of the time now) it just hit me. She is now walking, waving “bye, bye” and at the moment I was watching her was running a car back and forth across the floor all grown up like. I just know how much joy my mom got from my children and I want her here so badly now to get loving’ from Katie. Sometimes, just because mom used to do it with Tyler and Alysa I will kiss her little neck and toes and say, “I’m going to steal all your sugar.” I tell her, “That is what your Grammie would be saying if she were here right now.” I can only imagine that mom knows about Katelyn and how she is growing up so fast. I mean , she lived with The One who created my child so she can get all her information firsthand, right?

Mom, I love you so much. I know that I told you that often but after we lose someone we feel as though we never told them enough.

more pictures

2008-08-28T21:47:00.003-04:00

Alysa had a blast with this photo shoot and I was able to capture lots of pictures of her gorgeous smile.
Tyler endured it...

Katelyn is for sure walking now. Besides long trips down the hallway she she pretty much is wanting to walk all the time. She still only has one tooth.
This is Alysa in the same dress on her first birthday. I couldn't put the white part underneath with Katelyn because it was tight on her as it was. Alysa only weighs a couple more pounds than Kate. Now that she is on the move, I am sure it will all start to balance out.

Balloon Festival 2008

2008-08-28T21:40:00.001-04:00

can't remember if I have shared this

2008-08-25T22:00:00.006-04:00

“BECKY”
(an un-wed mother)
“Tells it like it is”

A message for every
teenager in America.
A message straight from
the shoulder and from
the heart.

To you: Mary, Jane, John, Bill or who ever might be reading this right now; this message was written especially for you. I was Becky’s high school counselor and I have been given this privilege of introducing her to you. However, I first would like to make the following brief statement:
· Becky is a young un-wed mother of a beautiful little girl whose name is Amy.
· Becky’s schooling was terminated abruptly following the doctor’s diagnosis of

terminating cancer. Becky was told that she had less than a year to live.
· However, the greatest thing I enjoy sharing about Becky is that from the age of twelve she has been a “Born Again” Christian and has demonstrated and lived her faith through many hardships and disappointments.

I interviewed her in her home and the following is her story and message as she shared it with me, and now wishes to share it with others. It is her hope and prayer that through her testimony and “Telling It Like It Is”, she might help someone or perhaps be instrumental in preventing the heartaches that accompany un-wed pregnancies.

“How could I tell my mother? Should I have an abortion? I could give the baby away. How about school, my friends, and where was the money coming from?” These, and many more, were the questions that jumbled my mind as I say sleepless in my bed at night. Yes, I was pregnant and already my life-style and dreams were being shared by my baby. My emotions and mind were all mixed up with joy, sadness, depression and uncertaint

As the days past, I longed for comfort, understanding, acceptance and love. I did not have the opportunity to share and draw strength from an intimate relationship enjoyed by husband and wife. Often I wondered how I could explain to Amy (yet unborn) why she did not have a Daddy like the other boys and girls have. The complications of my sickness added to my troubled mind. If the doctors were right, and the good Lord did not will otherwise, Amy would grow up with neither a father or mother. I came to realize more and more every day that the statement that I heard so many times, namely: “My private sex life is nobody’s business but my own”, was anything but the truth. Certainly my sex life had now involved: my family, my friends, doctors, counselors, and many others. I tell this to you, young reader, that you might know how it really is. How did it all start? It started with that age-old line, “If you really love me you’ll let me”. I was made to feel guilty if I did not “go all the way”. I hear the phrase, “make love”, or “we made love” many times.

This may come as a shock to you, however, it is not possible to make love. Love is that God-given, undefinable, unselfish, bond that unites the hearts of two people. Pre-marital sex has nothing to do with love. It is a selfish, satisfying sin. Real love asks nothing in return. Sex, when used as God intended it to be, is reserved for the married couple as the most beautiful and wonderful expression of the love that exists between husband and wife. To you Henry, Jack, young male reader, if you really love your girl you will not even ask to “go all the way” let alone insist on it. To you, young ladies, you can prove your love for that special someone by not encouraging sex play. Enjoy each other in a wholesome, God-blessed, life of laughter, fun, planning, learning and a true love will provide that unselfish bond that never needs to say, “I’m sorry”.

For some young teenager who might be reading this message, the advice given comes too late. You maybe wrestling with those same agonizing questions that cause sleepless nights. For you I also give advice. Have your baby. Love your baby. Plan for, protect and be a mother to your baby. Abortion is murder. A second mistake will only complicate the first one. Yes, I sinned, but God forgave that sin and at the same time instructed me as he did the woman brought to Him by her accusers, “---Go and sin no more”.

Amy is a year old now. God has allowed me to have her, even perhaps for just a little while, but my love for her is so great that I have often asked God to be her father and mother if it be His will. I want for her to have that beautiful life that we all dream of. Oh yes, I know it will be more difficult for her but I have dedicated her to God and I have a faith that he will protect, love, guide, and use her for His service. Again to you, young reader, may your life be filled with every good and perfect gift as you seek God’s will and live in God’s way.

Written by: Rebecca Lynn Goodrich and Revernd Gerard Wilbur

in case you are not quite sure, yes, the Amy mentioned above is me

still checking

2008-08-24T22:02:00.002-04:00

Even though I haven't been very good at updating you all some of you are still faithfully checking to see if I have written. Thank you. Some of you are worried about me as my last post was of such a sad nature and then I seemed to drop off the face of the earth. I just want to let you all know that I am doing fine. The last few weeks I really have been feeling better. The medication seems to be helping and I am no longer in the hole of depression that I fell into a few months back.

One of the reason I have not written was that I taking the time to get over being upset. I received a harsh comment after posting the entry called- "It Wasn't Worth it." The comment was deleted but the anger took a while to delete. I wish this person would have just e-mailed me and got all the fact before accusing me being a negligent mother. Anyway....for a while I closed myself up and was scared to share my life with you all anymore in fear that someone like this person would call someone and have them take me kids away or something.

I want to assure you all that my kids are safe, loved, and cared for. And if you have any doubts about that. E-mail me and talk to me. Don't just judge me and send me harsh comments.

thanks

ps
Katelyn is pretty much walking now.

2008-07-19T20:33:00.003-04:00

Mom,
There are no words that can describe how much I am missing you right now. At least there are no words in this language.

Father God,
If you would be willing to ease the hurt in my heart tonight even just a little I will be thankful. I'm thankful for the dreams that I have with her in them. Even the one about the Walmart deal with coupons and the Cashews. When I woke and realized what I had been dreaming about it even made me smile for a moment. For those moments she was a part of my present world.

living here but longing to be Home

Wasn't worth it

2008-07-07T15:24:00.005-04:00

It wasn't worth it. I felt like I couldn't get out of my own tracks this morning. I decided to take a cat nap on Alysa's bed while the kids were playing and Katelyn was napping. Mind you, it wasn't restful because Alysa and Tyler kept coming it to talk to me or to help them with this and that. I knew that they had gotten into the play dough because Alysa brought some to me because she could not get it out of the container. I knew they would probably make a mess. I was just so tired I didn't care.

Well now the kids are all napping and instead of being able to take a nap myself... after I finish writing this....I will be cleaning this! Good thing that I hadn't just mopped my kitchen floor.

Changing so fast

2008-07-02T21:33:00.007-04:00

Katelyn has been changing so fast in the last couple weeks that I wanted to give a quick update.

About a week after learning to sit on her own she was standing up in her crib. Her forward crawling skills have reached the advanced level. And already she is starting to take steps while holding on to furniture. AHHHHH and Nana guess what - tonight we discovered a first tooth! HOORAY!!

She has been such a joy to watch grow and a comfort in these past months.

Though I did not post on the 29th of June I did not forget what day is was. I though a lot about our sweet Olivia.

Two years sweet baby girl - I have missed you every day. You and Grammie Peters are together again. My life is forever changed because you are my daughter. My angel on earth who now lives with the angels in Heaven.

Photo Friday

2008-06-13T15:35:00.006-04:00

These are pictures from the day Katelyn turned 7 months old. Aside from sitting pretty she has learned to talk. She says, “Mamma, you’re the greatest in the world!” Actually, she only says “Mamma” (over and over) Don’t worry, it’s not going to my head. I know at this point to her it just a new sound. It’s not my name yet. But I can still rub it in that she says. "mamma" and not "dadda" :)

This picture could use an explanation. At first glance you may wonder why I am showing you Tyler's bed. No, I'm not showing off his sheets, though cool they are. Maybe it would help if he was wearing Ruby Red shoe! This is where he fell asleep last night.

Your thinking, “Ok, Amy, we’ve seen your kitchen before. Why are your putting up this picture?”
Well this picture is my Spring cleaned Kitchen
It represents a completed Flylady’s Detailed List! Thank you J.Q. for helping me get started!

Kitchen: Detail Cleaning List
1. EMPTY REFG/CLEAN THOROUGHLY (also cleaned extra freezer)
2. CLEAN MICROWAVE INSIDE AND OUT
3. CLEAN STOVE/OVEN
4. WASH CANISTER/KNICK-KNACKS
5. STRAIGHTEN DRAWERS/CUPBOARDS
6. WIPE FINGERPRINTS OFF WALLS
7. WASH INSIDE WINDOWS
8. CLEAN FAN/VENT-A-HOOD FILTERS AND HOOD
9. SCRUB DOWN CABINET FRONTS (only a few at a time)
10. CLEAN LIGHT DEFUSING BOWLS(GLASS GLOBES OVER LIGHT BULBS)
11. CLEAN UNDER SINK/THROW AWAY OLD RAGS (had to take out everything from those cupboards so dear husband could replace the faucet. Thank you love)
12. CLEAN PET DISHES

I don’t have pet dishes so I traded that for cleaning the kid’s booster seats
It also represents moving all the major appliances and cleaning behind them
It includes a mopped floor

I had to laugh because after the floor dried I was going to put the table and chairs back in place. While doing this I asked the kids, “What do you want for lunch?” Waiting for the famous reply of “Peanut butter and fluff” (a favorite right now) I got the answer, “We want a picnic!” So, we did.

This is for my benefit as much as for those who like to keep up to date with us. I haven't been very good at doing baby books and what not so this is my way of keeping track of things. Hope you enjoy it too!

Next week we are tackling the bathroom (maybe both if I am super motivated) and one other room. Can't tell you which one because Flylady hasn't told me yet! lol If you want to join me with my Fly stuff go to her sight. www.flylady.net

Sitting Pretty

2008-06-12T15:33:00.005-04:00

Katelyn has learned that she can go from crawling (backwards) to sitting pretty. She seems very happy with her new found skill as she seems to be sitting in the middle of the floor all the time now. Tyler thinks this is great. He said, "Mom, Katelyn is all grown up just like us now!"

I like the fact it makes picture taking a little easier!

water under the bridge

2008-06-09T19:46:00.004-04:00

written Saturday 11:42pm

I can’t sleep. There’s a lot on my mind – and the OCD in me will just keep playing it over and over so I might as well write it out. I haven’t felt like writing much because there has been so much to say. I tend to do that sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with what do – so I do nothing.

The last couple of weeks are hearts have been full of anticipation. On a planned trip up North for an interview for Brian we made plans to visit Brian’s grandparents and an aunt. This would be her first time seeing Katelyn in person. We ended up going a week early to see his aunt …at her memorial service.
What really hit hard that day was having her husband stand by her casket at the front of the church and state something along the lines that he had stood at the front of the church to watch her walk the isle and become his bride and now 16 years later he standing there to say goodbye (yes, it was their anniversary day) wow

The interview- you’ll find a little more about this on Brian’s blog – though he’s yet to update it as far as what we got for a response.
The final decision seems to be that we are not going. All the details are not important: It’s just left me (us) feeling confused and vulnerable (in a good way)
When a door seemed to be opening, Brian and I weren’t sure we liked the look of it. Then we went and got a little feel for the place and it seemed a good fit. We felt excited about this opportunity and what it could mean for our family and this church. I think it came as a little surprise when the door closed just like that. It left us wondering…”What now, Lord?”
As soon as I could find some quiet time – usually after at least 2 of the 3 kids are in bed – I went to the Lord with a hear full of questions and disappointment. I didn’t get a specific answer to my ?’s but this verse

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I would like the answers now, of course. He just wants me to trust in the fact that He is in control.

Father God,
I’m so glad that you see the big picture, I’m only seeing it in little pieces and sometimes I want to come to You and say, “ummm Lord, this isn’t a pretty picture.” But, I know that you only make good and beautiful things. It’s all about perspective.

Yes, Brian and I seem to get our hopes up too easily and rush ahead of things in our minds. I think we have learned not to mention to the kids about the possibility of moving until it is a for sure thing. Tyler keeps asking us about moving to a new house and going to a new church.

We spent many hours in the car the weekend we were away for this church interview. It’s not wasted time. There was a lot to be learned on our part and hopefully theirs too. Long car rides are always good time to talk. Brian and I talk a lot to each other usually but what else can you do for 10 or so hours while traveling. It just reminds me how blessed I am to be married to my best friend. I know he loves the Lord and just wants our family to be wherever God wants us – wherever that might be. For now, that wherever is right here. The question is – What does He want us here for? We are willing to GO anywhere – but the only doors that are opening are the ones with signs that read, “STAY.”

So the journey continues. I’ll try to do better in keeping you up to date. As always, please continue to pray for us as we seek God’s leading in our lives.

Mom,
I am missing you so much. We decided to eat at KFC on the way up North. It hit me the last time I ate there was with you. I cried. It’s strange what seemingly little things hit. But, they can hit so hard.

Ice cream cones – especially my kids eating them. Summer and Yards Sales. Memories. Corn Chowder. I never wrote down your recipe. It only tasted like that when you made it anyway. TTGTT. We had some strange bonds huh?
I’ve been thinking about you so much as I contemplate all the changed that could happen. Since there is no need to go back home, I don’t care where we move. My family now is Brian and the kid. I’ll follow him anywhere the lord leads. I always would have anyway. Just think, we wanted to love in Papua New Guinea at one time! Now it’s just a little easier. I don’t have to say goodbye. You’re the one who moved so far away I can’t visit you in this lifetime anyway. I’ll see you and again I look forward to that day with all my heart.

the letter

2008-05-22T19:18:00.005-04:00

I found the letter that I had wanted to share with you on May 3rd. My mom wrote it to me when I was 14. I was going through a rebellious stage. The letter speaks for itself – I could say more but at the moment it hurts too much. Just getting it typed is all I can do for now.

March 28, 1993

Dearest Amy,
I know I’m not your mother and never can be. Rebecca was my daughter, who I loved very much. Through her illness we became very, very close. You are my grand-daughter, who I love very much. Through things that happened beyond my control, we are left together. Your Mom wanted you to know Jesus Christ as you Savior and Lord. She wanted you to love Him and serve Him. She asked me, in her absence to guide you, teach you right from wrong, to watch over you, to fill in for her. That’s what I’ve tried to do. Maybe at times I over do it. If you think about it, I was a teen at one time. I know what it’s like. I raised three daughters who were teens at one time. I see a lot of mistakes I made back then and I try not to repeat them. Yet I still do. I only want the best for you.

I’m sorry if I don’t see a lot of the things that way you do I’m sorry I embarrass you. Like you said I’m not perfect. – far from it. But I try to do the best I can. At times I feel all you think I’m here for is to cook, wash clothes, pick up and take you places. It’s just taken for granted that I do these things. I know you have feelings and I know that I have hurt them many times by yelling or looks or words. Many times, as I look back, knowing I don’t mean them but do it to hurt because I’m hurting. That’s not right and I am sorry.

When I look at other teens and the things they do and say- Amy I would not trade you for anyone. I’m thankful that God has given me you.
There is a saying “Grandparents weren’t meant to raise children.’ There’s a lot of truth to that. I know I don’t have the energy to keep up with you and things you want to do. I have been trying – like going to Calais or Ellsworth for the day. Sometimes (a lot) money is a bigger problem. It takes money to do these things or go places.

I know I don’t have the patience I need or maybe should have. I have been trying to work on that. I pray daily to be what God wants me to be and to do a good job with you. But then it seems I bow it every day.

All I can say, Amy, is I know I'm not your Mom - but I’ve had you since you came home from the hospital – I fed you, bathed you, sat up with you when you were sick. After Rebecca died, I’ve had all the responsibilities of being the Mom and being proud of all the things you accomplish.

My love for you is more than a grand-mother-grand-daughter relationship because of the circumstances. You have been here with me for all your 14 years. You are my life – for without you I’d have nothing.

I love you with all my heart. I’m sorry for hurting you. When I do things wrong please talk with me. Please forgive me.

Love,
Grammie

(this was not how she usually signed her cards or letters. It was always mom.....)

fun new job

2008-05-22T09:03:00.004-04:00

just a short little blurb. I will wrote more about it later but wanted to invite you all to check out what I have gotten hooked on in the last couple of months.

Last Saturday I finished the training class and am now an offical
BeautiControl Independent Consultant. What in the world is that? Well, check out the products on the webpage they gave me http://www.beautipage.com/amyritchie

for those of you who live close to me and think you would be interested in holding a Total Spa Escape of your own and earn some great product let me know.

more details to follow!!!

photo update

2008-05-15T13:09:00.004-04:00

Katelyn is 6 months old now. He favorite toy is her feet and she loves rolling around.
just because I don't get too many good ones of Tyler. He is too busy or likes to make silly faces when it come to picture time. What a cutie if I say so myself.

Dad - it's been one year

2008-05-12T21:38:00.004-04:00

yes, it's only been 9 days since I wrote about mom. I still can't believe they died 9 days apart.
I have started several things and deleted them. It's a complicated story that I don't know how to share with you. Maybe it's best not to.
We were not very close in these last few years. But, he was still a father like person to me and I do miss him.

(photo taken while I was getting ready on my wedding day - bet you couldn't have guessed that! Nov 17, 2001)

You have been gone a year also

2008-05-12T21:30:00.004-04:00

9 days after mom died, your life on earth ended too. You had always said to me, "if anything ever happend to Marian, I won't be long for this world." The official report would say you died of congestive heart failure.

The last one year anniversary

Yeah, I'm really glad for the day to end. With remembering mom and getting through Mother's day yesterday and finally today. One year since my dad, Pete, died. On this date last year we had gone to pick out Olvia's stone. We had made the appointment before Mom had died. The place wasn't usually open on Saturdays except by appointment. So on that day we picked out Olivia's stone and then looked at prices for mom's. It was later that afternoon that I got the call about Pete's death.

Some of you may be wondering why I am calling my dad by his name. Well, to be totally honest as the years went by we grew farther and farther apart. He didn't just isolate himself from me but really from the whole world. It's a long complicated story. Much of it I never really understood and never will. So many questions left unasked.
I had promised myself that I would write today. I should have put more thought into something specific to day. I used to feel hurt by the actions that he chose. I felt angry that he chose drinking over his daughter.

Today, I just feel really sad. It didn't have to be that way. His life didn't have to end when it did. Poor choices. But, maybe he felt that it was his only choice. No, my dad did not commit suicide.

One Year has passed

2008-05-03T22:57:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I would write today. I had decided there was letter that my mom wrote me that I would share with you. I don't know where it is at the moment so I will share it at a later time.

The day went better than expected. It's the days leading up to anniversary dates that are harder I think. What made the day a little smoother was that my aunt was here from South Carolina. She came on Thursday and left today. It was nice to have someone to talk to about mom who also had stories and memories to share. She did not leave until 5pm so it helped the day go better. My other aunt also called to let us know that she was thinking of us.

This evening I focused on my beautiful children and how wonderfully blessed I am. We had fun giving Katelyn her first taste of applesauce today. She's growing up so fast. You can't leave her alone for even a minute now as she is rolling all around.

Of course I spent a lot of time thinking about mom today. I know that Mother's day is just around the corner. The day after that is the one year anniversary for my dad. I am making myself a promise to do my post in honor of him on that day. We may have had our differences but he took care of me for a lot of years.

I have put this off and it now after 11pm. I need to go to bed. I will be back to write more later.

5 months old

2008-04-11T10:16:00.001-04:00

I love you Princess

2008-04-11T09:38:00.006-04:00

Alysa wasn't really into picture taking for this. I wish I thought to take one just to show you her gorgeous dress. Oh well.

This is just a recent picture of Tyler because I haven't put him on here much as of late.

Dear Alysa,

Your birthday was on Thursday (April 3rd) but we didn’t celebrate on that day because no one was really feeling well. You felt the best of everyone. We were going to have a “party” with Nanna, Grandpa, Buddy Matt and Grammie Ritchie on Friday but we decided we had a very sicky germ filled house and it might be best to wait until everyone was all better. We are waiting for some warm weather so that we can open the windows.

You don’t really have a clue but we asked you what you wanted and you said you wanted a chocolate cake and chocolate frosting.

We had bought things for you in advance and you kept finding them in our bedroom. When we would make you put them back you would cry. Since we have no idea when we will get to your party, Dad and I will give you a couple things tonight. (April 4th)

You are a great talker for a 2 year old. Give or take a couple letters you can say your ABC’s. You also sing Jesus loves Me. You are just so smart.

“Jesus love me this I know
For the Bible tell me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak
But, He is strong.

Yes, Jesus Loves Me
Yes, Jesus Loves Me
Yes, Jesus Loves Me
The Bible Tell me so.”

April 10th
It looked like we were never going to be able to have your “party” so last night (April 9th) when we went to pick up the car from the mechanics we went to Nana’s and Grandpa’s and had pizza for super and let you open you gifts. You usually love to have your picture taken but not last night. Nana was really sick with the flu so she didn’t get to enjoy anything.

Random....

She tends to be quieter around other people but at home Alysa is quite the little talker. At just the old of of 2 she talks on complete thoughts.

"Mommy, I want a snack. I am hungry."

"Tyler, you be nice to me"

"Can you read me a book?"

She found another M&M in a bag of trail mix this morning and said

"I found another one." I don't know. Maybe it's just because I am her mom but I think the concepts she uses are so smart for her age.

She is big into "I do it by myself" or when you try to help "No, I want to do it."

Though there is one phrase we wish Tyler had never taught her, When asked why she does certain things, such as, "Alysa, why did you color on your arm?" Her answer, "Because too."

To which she has also learned to say, "That is not a good reason"

Picture update

2008-04-02T18:07:00.006-04:00

This was Alysa when she was 5 months old and one of her first pictures with her Minky

She has grown into my beautiful little princess
Katelyn's gorgeous eyes!

She has also been able to roll over for some time now but today she really discovered how fun it was and did it over and over!

I'll have to capture Tyler at Alysa's birthday!

getting better

2008-03-31T08:54:00.004-04:00

I don't really have anything specific to write about today but for those of you who so faithfully check in I wanted there to be something to read. :) and hopefully can get some new pics on really soon. We used to be so good at taking pictures but as time goes on we are find ourselves taking less and less. I really want to try to work on that.

There is a yucky virus going around that makes you throw up and have the runs (nice huh) well all 3 of them got it. Oh, what fun. In three days I had seen my kids throw up between 40-50 times. (all total) It was horrible. Needless to say, I am tired. Brian is too. He even went into work late one day because we had both been up all night with Tyler. It seems Alysa is all better now and Tyler has moved on to a head cold. Katelyn didn't keep much down yesterday but seems better today. You can tell she doesn't feel 100% though. If she was still getting sick today we were off to the Doctors as this is her 7th day of being so sick.

Alysa will be 2 tomorrow. I will try to get lots of good pictures to post this weekend. We are hoping to have a little get together with some family on Friday to help make her day more special.

There is so much that I want to share with you. I just need to work on getting my priorities straight and having more discipline to do things. Things were supposed to be so different by now and yet I find myself in the same hole over and over again. My thought the other day was that the rocks and pebbles on the bottom have become almost familiar to me as I have hit it SO many times.

One of the things that I want to come to an end is spending my whole Saturdays cleaning house. I want those to be fun days for our family. That also means that I do not want to stay up until 3 am on Friday night like I did last week because then all I do on Saturday is sleep!

I've been doing tons of thinking and writing. Trying to figure out some things in life. So far, I'm not getting very far. In time I will share more of this with you.

4 months old

2008-03-13T16:36:00.005-04:00

Sister because we HAVE to be...friends because we WANT to be.

For those of you who may view these pictures in a larger size, yes - Alysa's cheek is a little scratched up. She fell off a sled and the snow wasn't so forgiving.

4 months old

What can I say about these rolls!! Wow!

Well, I can tell you that the swimsuit that she is wearing is size 12 months. (so yeah, we are in size 12 months now)

At her 4 month checkup she was still in the 99% group. She weighed 19 pounds 10 ounces! The sad thing is, Alysa only weighs about 25 pounds wringing wet!!

written in 2004

2008-03-05T14:43:00.006-05:00

This is something that I wrote a few years ago that I had promised to share with you ages ago. I can't find the original post that I wrote telling you about this essay but here it is...
For those of you who may be newer to this blog and do not know me well, you are in for a shocking entry. It may even shock those of you who do know me. Yep, open and honest....(this was orignally something that I wanted to share with the youth group at our church)

Why is it that I can write this amazing story or letter in my head, but when I go to write it down, the words are like scrambled eggs in my head? Though I do not know what the last chapter will say, I want my story to help others.

I am so tired of hiding behind a mask of normality. I am too tired of pretending that I have it all together. I don't want to pretend anymore. The truth be known, I don't really know what I want at all.

This is where I have to say I am sorry. Not just to you, but to everyone that I have met. I have not been a very good friend, listener or helper. Going into all the details in this chapter would not be beneficial but a bare bone structure will help.

Things are not always as they appear. I bet you have never heard that before! It is about as familiar as the cliche that, “The grass is always greener on the other side.”

I am about to be very honest with you. You know what? I don't have it all together. The sad thing is, I know that some of you have detected that already. You see it in my life and you see it in the interactions of Brian and I on a day to day basis. As much as I wanted to hide it all, it could not be hidden.

I want to share this story with you in the hopes that even just one of you might benefit from it.

The trigger point that got this ball rolling (again) was when my application with New Tribes Mission got declined back in October of 2003. The basic reason was because I had some depression issues that were not being treated. Someone does not get depressed overnight. To be very transparent, I have been struggling with this since before high school. With each new phase in life - high school, college, then marriage the degree of depression increased and the symptoms more severe.

Most of you might not believe me if I told you that one day after classes, while I was in Bible school, I came back to my room and dumped a bunch of pills on the dresser in front of me. I did not stop there. I proceeded to take some of them. Another phrase that I hear all too often is, “They did as a cry for help.” I guess that was what it was. You see, I did not REALLY want to die. I knew there was more to life, but I could not see it. I was too afraid of what would happen if I did die or even worse, if my attempt failed but I had to go on living with bad reprocusions of my actions such as brain damage.
The reverse side is, that I did not really want to live either.

I was caught in the act to say and I got a lecture from the dean of women and a little slap on the wrists so to speak and some verses thrown at me. I was at Bible school you know and that was what was supposed to happen right? Someone reads you a verse from the Bible and that makes things all better. WRONG!

Maybe it's my fault. I tried some counseling and medications but I never stuck with anything. Maybe I am the one to blame for all this. I don't know. I really don't know anything anymore.

A year and a half after college Brian and I were married. The thing that my mother told him when he asked her permission to marry was, “You have seen her moods and emotions. You have seen the good and the bad. If you can handle that, all the power to you.”

Brian, I guess thought he could handle it OR that things would change.

I want you to know that Brian really isn't the problem here. We all bring a certain amount of baggage into a relationship-marriage. He may have brought his suitcase full. I brought in a 18 wheeler so packed that things were squishing out under the door.

My starting thought is ringing true here. Just moments ago, I had this little conversation to myself in the mirror and I said exactly what I wanted to say. Now, I am rambling and not really saying anything at all.

I wanted to be open with you that you so it could help you see that you are not alone if you struggle with depression, low self esteem or just the feeling that you can't keep your head above water. I am not saying “Come and talk to me, I understand.” I am probably that last person that you should talk to. But, it is crucially important that you talk to someone you trust. Keeping all these negative emotions bottles up inside never helped anyone.

Yet, don't think that I can't hear what you are thinking. “She has no idea.” Yes, I graduated from high school about 7 years ago. That may seem like forever to you but it is not.

I have not figured out why yet, but the Lord allowed me to face a lot of different issues in my life, and I want to use them for good.
I do understand what it's like to have a family member choose alcohol over a relationship with his family. I know that it hurts to be abandoned by people who are supposed to be there no matter what. The first time that I ever remember meeting my dad, I was ten years old. I saw him for one weekend. The next time that I saw him, I was 20! I know what it is like to have this sick feeling come over your body when a certain person enters the room because you know that when you were a little child, innocent and trusting that he WASN't. I know what it sounds like to hear the words, “we are getting divorced.” I know that heartbreak of having a parent move out of the house and have that empty place at the table every night. I am familiar with the grief that comes with death. Death from sickness, death from car accidents, death due to the use of alcohol. I have felt the peer pressure to have a drink or party a little. I know drugs and the like are more prevalent in the teenage realm today but I remember what it was like. It wasn't that long ago.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I have had the worse plate called Life handed to me. I have not had to deal with being disabled or I was not born with HIV because my mom was a drug addict. I know that are a people out there who have a lot more adversity to deal with.

I just want you to see......I have no idea what, but, I want you to see.

Baby's Silkie - please check it out

2008-02-26T19:47:00.006-05:00

You may be wondering what these cute things are hanging on Katelyn's crib. First, I want to note that I do not leave all that stuff in and on her crib when she is sleeping for safety reasons. I did for this picture because I was right in the room with her cleaning and could keep a check on her.
Well, I would hang them there anyway because they are so beautiful but they also do a wonderful job of covering up where Tyler first, and then Alysa, chewed off the paint on the crib.
I can only hope there is no lead in this paint. The crib was purchased new in 2004 before this whole lead frenzy.

Didn't my little teethers do a good job?

Well, these beatiful little things are called Silkies and Minkys. I love the Minky's. They are soooooooooo soft. I have a dear friend who makes them. Someone bought me the ones hanging on the ends of the crib. The material has little kittens wearing angels wings on them. One is for Alysa and the other was Olivia's. They have their names and birthdate on them. I am keeping them as keepsakes to give to Alysa when she older. The minkys on the side of the crib gets lots of love though, As I said, they are very soft and my girls have loved them. As you can see the purple one is Katelyn's. I tried to take some pictures to show you but they didn't come out so well. Why don't you visit my friends page Baby's Silky . She has been such an encouragement to me since Alysa and Olivia were born. I would like to help her out by sharing her beautiful work with you and hope it will cross your mind the next time you need a baby gift! (Thank you Carlene for the girl's Silkies!)

Tyler got a hair cut

2008-02-22T21:37:00.003-05:00

before. my human mop
now. what a charmer

I wish I knew what she was thinking
for the most part she is a happy baby.

well my dishes are calling me. I'll post Alysa's haircut soon and some other things.

What have I been doing?

2008-02-22T21:11:00.003-05:00

You may remember this picture from before. This was Tyler's room after we got it all organized. Well it's not his room anymore!
THIS is what I have been doing! As you can see, my girls have NOTHING to wear. ha ha. Actually with Katelyn growing so fast and being born in a different season that Alysa I wasn't able to use a lot of Alysa's hand me downs. Most of Alysa's 3-6 months clothes were summer. Ummmm yeah that didn't work with dear Katelyn. Mind you, she is only 3 months old and is in 6-9 month clothing with some of them being too small. What a porker!!

Horray! The switcharoo of rooms is complete! It took me forever but Katelyn finally has her bed back. more to come....

be gone for awhile

2008-02-11T19:45:00.000-05:00

I just want everyone to have a heads up that I will not be posting for a little while. I need to get some things done and get some of my priorities straight. I will still know if you write as Brian still checks this for me but I just need to put use to my time in other places right now.

I want to thank you all for the encouragment that you have been and for you that so faithfully comment on my pictures and rantings.

This will also go for my e-mailing. If you don't hear from me in a while, it's not you and I am not upset with anyone. I just have some issues that I am working through. I would love it if you would continue to uphold me and my family in prayer.

The Lord is faithful and I know that He is still here as my Strong Tower. I need that more than ever right now.

I am weak

I am broken

I am humbled

I am hurting

But I am His

I am loved

I am protected

I am blessed

I am not alone

thoughts from the last couple weeks

2008-02-11T11:26:00.000-05:00

Saturday, January 26, 2008

life as I know it

Is this the life I am meant to have? If I could have chosen my life before time began what would I have chosen? What was God's ultimate plan? Sometimes I think it's like He gives us a couple roads to follow, both are chosen by Him but they lead to different places.
Guess I am just wondering where the other road would have led?

Sunday, February 03, 2008

they are closing in

Current mood: depressed

I can feel the walls of depression closing in on me.
Do I want to fight them and not let them squish me?

not really
it's too overwhelming.
mom, I need you.

2-6-08
i need someone to rescue me
i am my own worst enemy

i've let my world fall apart
i can't fix it. don't know where to start

i try to sleep it all away
but i'll just have to face it another day

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

issues

don't judge me
you are just like me

your issuse are just different than mine.

the thing is -

at the end of the day we both have issues

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Race
Category: Writing and Poetry

You are running down the scenic trail with not a care in the world. Red, orange, and yellow leaves turn into a blur as you whiz past them. Pushed by your soul, you run until you believe you will die.

Seeing the end is near, you push yourself harder.

Discouraged by how slow you seem to be going you do not hear the crowd cheering you on. You do not see your friend running beside you, taking you to the red ribbon.

You finish the race alone, the whole world beside you.

written December 7, 1994

Magic pill
Feb 11,2008

I wish there was a magic pill that could make this all go away.
I wish I could get it all together and have it that way stay.

all together

2008-02-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

Thank you Mrs. Schaeffer for my beautiful dress.

It's not quite the perfect picture, but about as good as you can get with all three of them together. 3 wonderful blessings!

picture perfect

2008-02-08T23:19:00.001-05:00

3 months old

2008-02-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

Katelyn is 3 months old today. Yay, I have a thumb sucker. At least for now. She's my first to do this. These pictures were taken last night and the one with the Care Bear today. She wasn't really in the mood for a photo shoot today though. Maybe Sunday. Someone gave her a gorgeous dress to wear!

This isn't a picture that I would normally post but I had to laugh at Alysa (she can hate me forever when she is older) She practically does the splits just to go pee. And yes, I do have a little toddler potty for them, but they won't use it. You should see them trying to get up there and do their business without falling in. It's quite show.

healthy baby

2008-02-04T10:08:00.000-05:00

my mom always said that when a baby slept with their arms like this that there was a old wives tales it is a sign of a healthy baby.

Yesterday I missed my mom a lot. It wasn't a special day or anniversary of anything. I just missed her more than on some other days. It's hard to belive that she has never held Katelyn in her arms.

Heads up

2008-02-02T19:55:00.000-05:00

A recent one of dear Katelyn and a blast from the past of Alysa and Tyler. Katelyn and Tyler have the same hairline going on. Poor Alysa, she was wondering if she would ever have a hairline!!

Where Oh Where has our hair gone?

2008-01-31T13:48:00.000-05:00

Oh where oh where can it be? Well, mine ended up on the floor at Hairs Too You in Lisbon Falls. My friend and I went to have our hair done a couple weeks ago. It's just the lighting that is making hers look orange in the picture. But, I guess I shouldn't be too worried you think orange would be a strange color. She did dye it with purple. It looks so great. I did the drastic thing and had about 15 inches cut off and dyed it with red and purple. You can't really see the color too much but you can see that the cut.

Do I like it? ummmmmmmmm

well, what does Brian think? ummmmm He's not very impressed. Sorry hun. I'll try no to do this again.

Now on the other hand. Katelyn didn't chose this hair do. Nope, can't blame the lighting on this one. She's got a nice bald spot on the back of her head. I told Brian Katelyn and I are just growing our hair out together. Alysa is still ok but as you can see Tyler is getting kinda bushy and is next for the chopping block.

The kids are napping now. I have some housework to do but hopefully I will be able to get back here tonight after they go to bed.

2 month checkup

2008-01-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

Katelyn had her 2 month checkup yesterday. She weighed in at 15 lbs. 10 oz. (gotcha beat Brandon) She is still in the 99 percentile group. This means if she were in a room with 100 other babies she would be bigger than 99% of them! We are already moving into 6-9 month clothing!

I am thankful that I did not spend money on buying her lots of clothes. In 10 weeks she has blown right through 0-6 month sizes. With Alysa's hand me downs ;) she had plenty to get us through. Katelyn has also received some really cute clothes as gifts. I try to get her into them at least once before she outgrows them :) and get a picture.

Alysa is going to be like her mommy and have sensitive skin. We were given a list of specific shampoos and stuff to use with her. Unless we are out and about baby wipes are a no go. I can use them as long as I rinse them out first. The girls clothes ought to be washed with a separate laundry soap. Hopefully this will be something she will outgrow but even if she doesn't it's just a minor thing.

I am so thankful for my three healthy, beautiful children. Guess I should quit while I am ahead!

I have been thinking of Olivia a lot recently. A lot when I am holding Katelyn. I wish that I had held Olivia more. The short time that she was home I sort of felt guilty when I was holding her. I felt that she would rest better in her bed. I wish that I had been encouraged more to hold her. Looking back, she probably would have more enjoyed a nice warm body and comforting heart beart. I have been wishing that I had spent more time at the hospital with her. These are wishes that can't come true and I try not to dwell on the parts of the past that cause hurt. But, I am only human and the heart does not forget.

I believe that I maintain a healthy balance even though others may not think so at times.
Katelyn gave me a couple scares at the hospital when she stopped breathing and turned blue. After that I was really upset and just wanted to be watching her all the time. Sleep. What was that? I just wanted to see her chest rise and fall. Anyway....there was so much to it. Emotions mixed with medication and all. Anyway...what I was getting at.

One of the pediatricians came in to check on us. She had heard what had gone on with Katelyn and knew about us losing Olivia. Yet, for some reason she thought she still had the right to say that I was being TOO overprotective and basically said, "Katelyn is not Olivia. She is healthy. You need to get on with it and not worry so much." I told her I realized she wasn't Olivia and that I understood I was very emotional but it was not just about that. I told her about my mom and Pete. She just said something like, "Oh"

After she left, I looked at Brian, and asked, "is it just me hearing her wrong or did she really say that?!" I was pretty mad. Made me wonder if she has kids of her own. Tell me what new mother, that has any love for her newborn at all, doesn't lay awake those first few nights and listen to them breathe?

Anyway. I am just telling you the story. There are no angry emotions now. I know that I was not being overly protective. Emotional. I might give you that. And I leave Katelyn in the nursery and stuff now. But, you know what. Even if I chose not to, I am (we are) her parents and it is our right. I say that to remind those ofyou with young children not to let other make you feel bad for the decisions that you make for YOUR children. (unless they are decisions that may hurt them of course) There is always going to be someone out that that disagrees with what we are doing. Bottle vrs Breastfeeding. Stay at home mom vrs Daycare. Hand me downs vrs buying new. What they eat. When they nap. Potty training. Tv. Toys. Birthdays and Christmas. Some people don't like the idea that our children are not going to believe in Santa.

I am just as guilty. I laugh and other people's parenting idea's sometimes or even think they are wrong. I'll try to work on not being a judge.

PICTURES!

2008-01-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

Katelyn is two months old.

what can I say, "total cuteness" I could just kiss those cheeks all day!

Tyler turned 3 on December 30th. Is he handsome or what?

Christmas 2007 (recognize the outfit Ruth? Thanks, she was so cute in this.)
Thank you Nana for my own pink plane! Alysa had been a little jealous the night before when Tyler received the same plane (in white and blue) the night before from one of his best buddies, John! He also gave her a gift. A really cute bear that says prayers, but you could tell she really wanted Tyler's plane. Her eyes lit up when she opened this and she screeched in delight for minutes!

Katelyn slept through most of her Christmas in her Great Nana's arms. It was only after we got home and it was quiet that she woke up to share her smile with us.
We didn't really get a good picture of Tyler on Christmas morning. It isn't because we love him any less :) He was just too busy running around handing out presents and opening them. He opened his and some of eveyone else's too! It was crazy. This is the new car rug and PJs he got from his Nana and Granpa. He absolutey loves it and all his little cars.

Don't try to figure this out

2008-01-08T09:54:00.000-05:00

Where have I been?

Right here.

I have wanted to write many times .

I have had many things to write about.

But...

It's been busy or felt that other things were more important.

Christmas has come and gone. It's a New Year.

Katelyn is two months old today.

Tyler is now 3!

Tyler and Alysa are growing up so fast. Both are "potty training" Fun Fun

How are we doing?

I can't complain. Still taking one day at a time. I cry more now than I did at first. Some days are really good though. Life still has Joy. My kids bring me so much joy and laughter. Brian does too. He still brings those unexpected flowers just when I need them most. It's not the flowers that I want, of course. It's knowing that he knows that it's hard and he doesn't have the words to make it all better but he still cares.

As some of you have noticed there is a new link on this page. Brian has started a blog of his own. It's more based on his thought and where the Lord is leading our family in the direction of ministry. As with me, he aways has more to share than time allows.

I sit here and write and it may seems like I'm just picking up where I left off. Maybe it worked out best that I did not write certain posts the moments I wanted to. Some of them would have been written with an angry spirit. The Lord has had to and still is working with me on that. I am trying not to be angry and let the Lord deal with it. I have a couple really big decisions to make and I really want to do the right things. Well, maybe part of me doesn't.

Don't try to figure these next thoughts out....they are more for me than you.

Why? What were you thinking? You weren't. That was the problem.

I'm so mad at you. Why couldn't you leave well enough alone. You had no right really to take what you did. I don't want to care anymore. I want to wash my hands of it but even when I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me...it still does.

If she had only known. Maybe she does. What would she have me to do. Would she have left things different.

Tying not to go on a power trip. Do I really want to do the right thing? Does it really matter anymore?

I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I have been lied to.

I knew then it wouldn't bring us together.

"each days has it's memories, and when the day is through, the things that I remember... are the things I did with you." (sung by Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street)

I miss you both so much.

I want to get it together and make you proud. You were proud of me no matter what.

It seems I only hear from you when you want something.

Life. It goes on.

You can start over. We all have to do it. We will be right here for you. No matter what. We stil love you. It was a mistake. We all make them. Just don't make it again. Learn from it and lean on Jesus.

Don't avoid me any longer. Let me help you.

Yep, you'll be really angry with me. Will that really bother me? Won't change much. I don't think anything you say could hurt me any more than you already have so what do I have to lose?

Father, give me wisdom to know that right thing and the backbone to follow through.
It's easy to say the words. Soften my heart to actually mean them.

missing her

2007-12-15T15:50:00.000-05:00

I am missing my mom so much right at this moment.

Katelyn - One month old

2007-12-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

KATELYN Dec. 8, 2007 One month old

(thank you Mrs. Anderson for the quilt)

If I could read your mind, I might hear something like this. "Hmmm, she's got a little chin thing going on there. Lookin' a little chubby if I might say so myself. What a cutie!"

Little is the last things to describe Katelyn. At her 1 month check up she weighed in at 12 and half pounds! She's pretty much the size of a 3 month old.

The good news is that she is able to sleep through the night without having to eat. But right now she is waking up because she has a little cold and has yet to realize that breathing through your nose isn't the ONLY option.

Also, we need to figure out a way to keep Alysa from coming to visit us in the middle of the night. Mommy and Daddy are SO TIRED!! The other evening Tyler fell asleep eating his super. (at 5:30 pm) He went to bed for the night. Made for a quiet evening but then he was up at 4:45 in the morning. AHHHH

I have so much that I want to share with you all but so little time. Any "free" time that I have I am cleaning. As you all know, that is a job that is never done. I have to learn to set aside some time for myself and do some things that I want to do (scrap booking, writing) I've made a promise to myself that Saturday night after the kids go to bed I am going to my Christmas cards. It's probably only the second time that I have sent them since being married! oh the procrastinator in me....

Some of the things that I want to share with you are pictures of Pete (my dad). Since most of the picture are pre-digital is means taking the time to scan them. Time I don't have at the moment. (I kinda have 2 dads but that is another story for another time)

Some of you may wonder why I talk about how much I miss my mom and not so much my dad even though they passed away only 9 days apart. I want to share more about that....though I never finished my mom's story...... someday I will.

Anyway, Pete's birthday would have been Dec 2nd so I have been thinking about him a little more recently. My other dad's b-day is Dec 8th. I wasn't a very good daughter. I didn't even call him. Good intention. Lack of follow through. (If you read this Ricky- you will be getting your b-day/Christmas gift at some point :) It's something that I am working on)

growing up so fast

2007-12-02T18:26:00.000-05:00

sniff. sniff. (wipe a tear from my cheek)
Alysa is not my baby girl anymore.
As we all start to wake up from our afternoon naps we hear Alysa crying. Then Brian and I say, she doesn't sound like she is in her room. A few seconds later Alysa is in our room crawling into bed.

so you say.....what's your point?

Alysa sleeps in a crib still. How did she get out?

I don't really need to ask. I know that she is a little monkey. Dad said he found her sitting in the bathroom sink just this morning.

so, Daddy took the side of the crib off this evening and we converted the crib into a toddler daybed. pictures will be posted later

Katelyn is 3 weeks old

2007-11-30T19:14:00.000-05:00

This picture may look innocent enough until you realize that Alysa has not had a paci since she was about 3 months old!! This is actually supposed to be for her dolly so that she will stop stealing Katelyn's.

Thank you Mrs. Watson for the pretty quilt!

Thank you Sherry for the soft bunny!

ps. the answer to the quiz. The top two are Tyler and the bottom two are Katelyn.

answer

2007-11-28T14:26:00.001-05:00

I'll tell you who is who in a couple days.

Quiz

2007-11-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

Quick! Which set is of Katelyn and which ones are Tyler?
There is no denying she looks a lot like her brother!

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

The above picture is a wonderful gift of love from the church that I grew up in. A friend of mine came to visit for a few days and help out while Brian was at work. She gave us a card with some $ in it. She said it could be used to out to go out to eat or to get something we needed for the baby. I said that it would be good for diapers and wipes as that is what she needs the most right now. My friend said, "why don't you go take a look at what is in the back seat of my car." When I did, tears came to my eyes. Wow. What a gift of love and how faithful the Lord is to provide.

My friend thought I should share this picture with you. Mom and me on my wedding day. I am really missing her a lot right now.

You may notice that I did not title this "Happy Thanksging"

I have a lot to be thankful for and I am. Being happy. That is another matter.

I guess you could just say that I am tired. We all are here. Mostly it has to do with having a 2 week old in the house. Wow. Katelyn is two weeks old today. I can hardly believe it.

It's been a while since I have posted. What have we missed. Where would I begin? It's not the time to go into detail but I will ask again for your prayers as Brian and I seek God's will for our family. We are looking to get into full time ministry. With certain doors closing we just want to be sensitive to where we should be looking next.

Also, the 17th was our 6 year wedding anniversary. We met 10 years ago at New Brunswick Bible Institute. It wasn't love at first sight but we had only known each other a couple of months when feelings started to grow. The memories we share... the stories I could tell....

That is for other time.

Since I am so tired and "pictures are worth a thousand words"....

2 weeks old

Picture of Katelyn

2007-11-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

I can't really seem to capture her cuteness. There will be more pictures to come. I took quite a few on the digital without the flash. Though they looked fine on the camera screen, I realized they were too dark when they were transfered to the computer. She doesn't look like the same baby, does she?

We are home

2007-11-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

We came home Sunday evening. It is nice to be back together as a family. Dad took the whole week off from work to be here to help. Everyone seems to be adjusting well. Katelyn pretty much just sleeps and eats. She only has one really awake time during the day.
At first we thought Alysa was really going to have her nose bent about Katelyn but she seems to have warmed up to her. Hopefully this evening I will have time to put some more pictures up. I finally think Katelyn is cute. She looks like a different baby than in the pictures we have posted thus far. The swelling in her face is gone and she looks a lot like Tyler.

As far as how the delivery day went there is a lot to tell. I will get it written as soon as I can. Being a c-section and with emotions running high it was an interesting day to say the least.

More Pics

2007-11-09T08:33:00.000-05:00

Here she is!!!

2007-11-08T11:06:00.000-05:00

Katelyn Alexis was born at 8:12 am. She weighs in at 9 lbs. 8 oz. and 19 inches . Mom and baby are doing well. More info later.

-Dad

9 months

2007-11-07T16:06:00.000-05:00

not a great picture of me but for those of you who know me know that I HATE having my picture taken - so this is probably as good as you will get. And, considering I put it off last minute there isn't much time to take them. I will be at the hospital at 6 am TOMORROW!! I know, I know, I don't look 9 months pregnant. Some people call me lucky because I carry the way I do. I kinda always wish that I was bigger. As I blast from the past I'll add my preggo pic with Tyler later tonight. I don't have one with the girls.

about 8 months with Tyler

They are getting ready to say hi to their new sister. They have NO IDEA what they are in for. In fact they really don't have a clue what it means about mommy going to the hospital. All Tyler cares about is that he and Alysa get to go to Nana Ritchie's Sunday school. That is what he looks forward to all week. Going to Sunday school. And....I know, I know....I have such cute kids. SMILE.

Well, besides the other preggo pic tonight the next one should be of Katelyn.

Thank you Lord.
I love you and the desire of my heart is to Serve YOU!

conversations with Alysa

2007-11-06T10:02:00.000-05:00

Did you know that a 19 month old can hold a conversation with you without you having to say a word? Hers just went as follows:

"Socks on"
so mommy puts her socks on

She immediately responds, "socks off" and pulls them off.

I try to put them on again. "no, no." She grabs them from me and tries to do it herself.
After 1 second of trying she hands me the socks and says "do it".
I get one sock on before she says. "no" and then is sidetracked by something on the floor. "Wipes,"she says. There was a baby wipe on the floor and off she goes.

So, needless to say, she is now standing beside me eating "Crackers" wearing one sock.

I know, it is one of those moments that doesn't really mean as much to you unless you were there. It was just cute and priceless to me.

Please continue to pray that I will hold out these next 2 days and not going into labor. My body is showing some of the signs of it so I just take it hour by hour. If it happens, it happens and I am OK with it but it would be nice to make it to my pre-op visit tomorrow and have the paperwork all ready.

We serve an AWESOME God.

love to all
Mommy

Half a Year

2007-11-03T20:30:00.000-04:00

6 months today. It doesn't really feel like it has been a whole half a year since my mom died. I have been dreading this day as I did a lot of anniversary days with Olivia. And, like the others, I have come through the day a lot better than I anticipated.

I miss you Mom.

last pregnancy post most likely

2007-11-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's November.

Just a short note to let you know that I had my last visit with my baby Dr. yesterday. Things are still going well. Katelyn's heart rate was strong. We are still on target for a c-section on November 8th. I will go in for a pre-op visit on Wed morning and have to be at the hospital at 6:15am on Thur. morning. ahhhh. The surgery is scheduled for 7:45am.

I would appreciate your prayers for calm nerves are my part and wisdom and steadiness of hand for the Drs. part. Also, for good health for Katelyn and protection these last few days before she is born. I am really struggling with the fear that she will still die from cord entanglement. These thoughts were really strong the day a hit a week before my surgery date because that is when Olivia got into trouble.

No matter what the outcome - God is good. Brian or I will post as soon as we can to let you know that she has arrived. (and a picture or two!!)

Thanks

VENTING

2007-10-27T10:50:00.001-04:00

I am just going to use this to vent. Probably won't make me feel better in the end but I am mad and just feel like talking it out.
You've all felt that way I am feeling right now.

When you just wish that people would leave well enough alone. It is just one of those situations where I have told those involved that I would take care of things and leave things alone and they don't. And of course it's a family member.

After Katelyn is born we need to settle down and write a will and make sure all our ducks are in a row.

So much hurt and confusion would have been fixed if my mom and dad had all the proper paper work in order. Mom was way better about it but there are always a few loose ends. My dad had nothing in order really and it has caused a lot of hurt. Just telling your family your wishes is not good enough, nor is just writing it down really. Things need to be signed, dated, notarized and all that wonderful stuff. So, if I could encourage you all to take care of one thing in the new year to come...for your family or children's sake...make sure you have a will written and know what will transpire if you should die. For those of you with young children, you may just assume that if something happens to you that they would stay with family. Not necessarily true. Without proper documentation your children will probably end up in the state foster care system.

anyway.........being this far along in my pregnancy I can't change the situation that is about to transpire. I just need to give my feelings of anger and resentment to God. As, Brian keeps saying...it isn't doing any good to be upset. Doesn't change things and I know the stress is not good so I end here and will try to have a good rest of the day.

yes, the larger print is on purpose. That's my "I'm frustarted" type. :) But, silly as it seems... I do feel a little better.

Getting Close

2007-10-24T11:59:00.001-04:00

What does it mean when you open your refrigerator and discover you had put Cheerios in there earlier?

Also, recently I have had this strong urge to clean out the utensil drawer, clean out the kids closets, and go Christmas shopping!! The latter of theese would be near impossible for me to do as my walking is very limited.

I have to take it day by day. Yesterday was a good day. I was able to be up most of the day. I got to lay down for a couple hours in the afternoon. I cooked dinner and was able to go to Youth Group with Brian. When people asked how I was feeling I was able to say, "really good."

Today is not so good. I pretty much can't be on my feet at all or it's contraction city. oh well. I have been trying to organize some more by dumping the project on the floorin front of me and working on it sitting down. I've got a little done but not what my brain wants me to. It's hard when your body and brain want to do differnt things. :)

from a few nights ago

2007-10-22T15:53:00.000-04:00

This is something from my journal a few nights ago. Very random and personal. Not written to anyone just what I was thinking at the moment.

I. Spiritual Thoughts

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. There isn’t anything particular on my mind tonight.

I really miss mom. I still can’t comprehend that she is gone. It really makes me take a deeper look at my life. After Olivia, Mom and Pete – Death is very real.
REAL. INSTANT. I realize someone can be in the process of dying for months, weeks, or days. (actually the moment we are born we are dying) But I’m talking about that final moment. At one moment Olivia was here. She was breathing. Her heart was beating. Her soul was inside her body. Then, in an instant – her heart beat that one last time and her soul was in Heaven with her Lord.

“To absent from the body is to be present wit the Lord.’

Now, for me as he mommy, this is where the “rubber meets the road” so to speak. It’s the time I really take a look at my faith. Is it Real? Solid? Do I REALLY believe what I just wrote? Is Heaven my reality?

Yes, it is. But, I would not be telling the truth is I didn’t admit that there are those fleeting moments of doubt and that “what if” moments. I try not to entertain these thoughts. I know that they are not from the Lord. I have to remember Jesus. I have to remember that He died on the cross for me – for Heaven’s sake.

In reality I suppose it takes the same amount of faith to believe, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”, as it does all the rest.

II. missing my mom

Mom,

The last time you “saw” Alysa she wasn’t even walking. If only you could see her now. You knew Tyler to be quite the chatter box but now you can hold actual conversations with him.

I am about 3 weeks away from having Katelyn. I never got to call and tell you that she was a she! Or her name. I can’t believe you are not going to be here to hold her. The flip side is – the last time that I saw Olivia she was only almost 3 months old. And you get to be with her now.

What happened mom? Was it the chemo? Was it just your heart, or the chemo did this to your heart? Were you scared? Were you in pain long? What were your last thoughts?

I’m so sorry that you were alone. Since you can’t answer me I can’t only hope that you felt the Lord’s presence and that is wasn’t a long walk Home.

Preparing to be Mommy's helper

2007-10-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

Pregnancy update

2007-10-15T21:03:00.000-04:00

I have a post to put on here that I have hand written and just need to type out. but Tonight I will just give you an update on the pregnancy. I will hit 36 weeks on Thursday. My c-section is scheduled for Nov. 8, the day I will hit 39 weeks. This would be a week before my actual due date. I don’t (and my Dr. seems hesitant too) think that I will make it that far.

Some of you have been asking - Another c-section is not my choice. I am not sure that I would even be a good candidate to try to have a natural birth after a c-section but my insurance would not cover it so it was not an option.

Emotionally, I am feeling ok. You will see how my thoughts have been going in the next post. Physically, I feel 9 months pregnant. I am having lots and lots of Braxton Hicks contractions so I am pretty much able to do NOTHING. I do a lot of sitting or lying down. The mornings are a little better at this point but by afternoon if I am up and about for even 10 minutes I have to lay down. Anyway, all is fine. I am just taking it moment by moment. I am very thankful for Liz, a friend from church who is helping my out with some housework here and there. I just can’t do it now and feel very discouraged at times. After she leaves and I can see the floor and table again I feel much better.

Can’t end without showing off my wonderful (very active kids) Also, you can see how much Alysa has changed in the year. Tyler would not let me take one of him and his pumpkin last year and this year it was a struggle. We had to make bribes to get the photos we did.

Alysa 2007
Alysa 2006

Tyler 2007

2007-09-25T20:24:00.000-04:00

HELLO! Yes, it has been a long time. So much so that I won’t be able to fill on all the blanks. I don’t even remember what I have written in the past so some of this may be a repeat.

The last time I was at mom’s I had a mini mental/physical breakdown. I don’t know what the difference is. I spent some time recovering from that. I’m still having a hard time. I know that I should be taking the antidepressants that have been prescribed but I just can’t do it. Even though my baby Dr. says that it is safe to take the warning on the label scares me. I am just trying to ride the waves and praying that the Lord would heal my emotions. No one, except the Lord, knows how much I miss my mom.

Katelyn will be here in about 6 weeks. I am not looking forward to having another c-section. I also anticipate that I will struggle with post partum depression as I will miss my mom even more at this time of joy. She was right there when Tyler came into the world and she was the one who watched Tyler when the girls were born.

Some of you have been wondering where I have been. I have just been so down that I have not really felt up to writing. And as I told someone, I felt that if I had nothing good to say, I wouldn’t say anything at all.

My mom’s house is now pretty empty. We were able to get it loaded into a u-haul (thanks to my church family in Machias) and get it into storage close to me here. I will be able to deal with it at a later time. There hasn’t been much interest in her house a lot due to the price. It’s a big house (6 bedrooms) in a very small town. You have to travel an hour in either direction just to get to Wal- Mart. Yep, I grew up without the ever famous Wally World at my fingertips. Didn’t have Mc Donalds either! How did I ever make it? Ha ha

I still covet your prayers. There is still a lot going on with the family in general and Brian and I have some big decisions to make in the near future. I can’t go into details right now but I will tell you more when I can.

This isn’t exactly what I wanted to write but it’s been so long…..

Here She Is!!

2007-09-06T20:57:00.000-04:00

in 4D anyway....

Don't worry. I did not have my baby yet. Though I was in the hospital last night having her monitored. Too much stress in mommy I think. Baby Girl was fine.

At todays ultrasound we had a little fun with the 4D imaging. Interesting picture I know. Fun and a little freakiy looking at the same time. I don't want to get a million comments on how beautiful she looks from the photo. I know you will be lying. ha ha. But I know that in real life she will be. It still doesn't tell me exactly what she will look like but it was calming to watch her on the screen. You only see a picture taken from the video like feed that I was watching. She was rubbing her eyes and making strange smirks with her mouth. It was so neat.

Also, we have picked a name.

You can set it in stone because we have agreed we are tired of trying to find something we both agree on. So, unless she pops out a boy, her name is

Katelyn Alexis Ritchie.

And the tech triple checked today and said she is 100% girl.

One final note:

Brian's grandfather passed away about 2 o'clock this morning. Please continue to uphold the family in your thoughts and prayers in the days to come.

been awhile

2007-09-04T13:30:00.000-04:00

I know. It's been awhile. And I know that some of you are worried about me after my last post.
I just wanted to let you know that I am still here. There is a lot to share but it won't be today.
Please still hold me (and the family) in your thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you what you may want to hear - that I am doing great and life is a wonderful. I serve a great and wonderful God but emotionally I am still a wreck. Life is good....but very short. As we face another death in the family (Brian's grandfather) in the near future we find this fact hard to miss.

I am heading back to my mom's in the next couple of days. I will try to catch you all up on everything when I get back.

The the person who left the comment about seeing a Dr. I have. I have been on antidepressants in the past but am very leery of it when I am prego or nursing. I have another appointment tomorrow to get things settled about going back on something. I do understand part of this is a real issue that can be dealt with my medication but I have to be very careful what I can take. My body doesn't
until next timetolerate it well when I start messing with my chemical imbalance.

I am trying not to handle this all on my own. That is my tendency. I am trying to accept help and things like that.

Breakdown

2007-08-12T15:01:00.000-04:00

What does it feel like to have a mental breakdown? Or a physical one that that matter? Anyone out there know and want to share. I am sure that are multiple answers to this question. I am beginning to wonder if I am reaching that point.

that said, pray for me. My stress levels are through the roof as I plan my next trip to my mom's. All this stress can't be good for baby Ritchie.

Thanks

Poem

2007-08-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

Dear friends,
If my memory would allow me to rewrite the blog that I wrote in my mind last night - I would have you sitting here for quite some time. It was quite the epiphany. But, as you all know, once you write something in your mind, for some reason you can never get it out on paper the same way. At least that is how it works for me.
Suffice it to say that I have had a hard week. I guess I would even say that I am little depressed. The tears have fallen a little more this week that in the past. I’ve been thinking a lot about Olivia and Mom.
Since, I don’t feel like writing something original tonight I will share with you a poem that I found that I wrote to my mom in 2000. (on that note, I did find my book so sometime I will start another blog to use to share parts of it with you)

MOTHER
You took on this role when I was just one.
I can never thank you for all that you’ve done.

You took me to church where I learned of the Lord.
You bought me the things that were hard to afford.

You were always there to show your love
And prayed for me to the Lord above.

Where did time go? I grew up so fast.
I try to recall the things of the past.

When things were tough it was hard to understand.
Looking back now I see only God’s protective Hand.

It’s been just me and you for quite awhile.
We’ve taken it step by step; mile by mile.

Only now am I beginning to see
Just how faithful God is to you and me.

I’m also realizing all I’ve done wrong.
Wish now that I hadn’t taken so long.

In Rebellion and Sin, I fell deep
Now the consequences I will reap.

Yet, you are still here to show your love
And pray for me to the Lord above.

Graduation is coming - just a short time away.
Can’t wait to be home, when I can finally stay.

Not quite sure what the Lord wants me to do.
I’ll just live for Him - faithful and true.

Every day the “slate of my sin” is wiped clear
I can start over with my Savior so dear.

Thank You for loving God and being my “mother”.
I would not trade you for any other.

I love you so much - it’s time I show it more.
And want to build the friendship we should have had before.

Instead of chocolates and flowers, I give you love from the heart.
Needing to begin somewhere - there’s no better place to start.

Love,
Amy Elizabeth

The part of this that I need to remember most right now is:

“When things were tough it was hard to understand.
Looking back now I see only God’s protective Hand.”

My hearts prayer is that sometime in the future I will have another poem to write and I be looking back and seeing how God used this time in my life for His glory.

This is our 1st photo taken together

This was taken at the graduation mentioned in the poem.

It was from New Brunswick Bible Institute.

Didn't forget Tyler

2007-08-08T10:25:00.000-04:00

Just been busy...but, here is my handsome boy. This was taken when Dad took him to the park. Alysa and I were at a scrapbooking event. I know that Tyler enjoys the one on one time with his Daddy.

Next I'll try to work on an updated family picture for you all. I think the last one on here is over a year old!

Words Alysa picked up in July

2007-08-01T18:42:00.000-04:00

Doll

milk

nana - for banana

hot dog - for vienna sausages

bite - or "I bite" meaning I want another bite of food

stuck - though duck, truck and stuck all sound the same.

nite nite

all done - and she will hand you her plate when she is done

here -she say this when she hands you something

bug - though the first time she said this she was talking about a Fly

baby

Cheerio

Things that remind me of my mom

2007-08-01T18:22:00.000-04:00

To name a few...

Roosters

Corn chowder

Grits and cheese - yes, she was from the South

Hamburger helper -she was famous for taking this to church suppers

Tri colored pasta with kidney beans and parmesan cheese - don’t ask. We made this up

Red - her favorite color to wear

Yard Sales and Dollar Stores

Necco candies

Freedent Gum - especially the green kind

My children